Hi, I'm new to the forum. Basics: married 10 years, together for 15. Two teen kids. Separated and cohabitating--separate bedrooms.
My spouse said he was done about 8 weeks ago. He said that he didn't feel like a part of the family, that we were incompatible, etc. No big no-nos. From my perspective, our marriage was okay, but we have a lot of issues outside of our relationship. One kid is special needs, and he just kind of broke after the diagnosis. He went into autopilot. I compensated and grew resentful. Before that, I think we just suffered from poor relationship skills. I am a fixer. He's a stuffer. Our relationship was okay but not great overall. Functional but not fulfilling.
I spiraled a bit for a few weeks then obsessively began reading and listening to anything self help related. I was just looking for relief from the pain. Eventually I came across a video that discussed The Divorce Remedy, and I decided to give it a shot. Less than two weeks, my husband asked what had happened. Why was I so happy? What changed? Now he is starting conversations with me. He's enjoying my company again, which is a vast improvement from not being able to be in the same room. We were literally avoiding each other except for our weekly family dinner. We decided right away that we're still family and need to put the kids first, which for ours means consistency and time together.
So, I'm here to share, get encouragement. I know this is a longer recovery than I want, but I want to get it right. I can't put my kids through this again.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi, I'm new to the forum.... I came across a video that discussed The Divorce Remedy, and I decided to give it a shot. Less than two weeks, my husband asked what had happened. Why was I so happy? What changed? Now he is starting conversations with me. He's enjoying my company again, which is a vast improvement from not being able to be in the same room.
Glad to hear this. You may be one of the few lucky ones that gets things headed in the right direction early.
Two things:
Keep DR and this website to yourself for now. These are your tools to get the R back on track.
All the changes have to be permanent. Those that slip back to old habits and behaviors end up in trouble again in the future.
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We were literally avoiding each other except for our weekly family dinner. We decided right away that we're still family and need to put the kids first, which for ours means consistency and time together.
One thing that you both need to learn is to put each other first. Going out and doing things as just a couple.
That's great, glad to hear it's helping! It sounds like your H has not BD'd (bomb dropped) you, so in addition to DR I would suggest you read the Five Love Languages and work on some of the techniques in there for strengthening the relationship.
Sorry just read it again and it sounds like you kind of sort of may have been BD'd? If so then I would still suggest reading 5LL but don't go overboard on implementing all the techniques. Try to focus on techniques in the book that aren't pursuit-heavy. For example, "Words of Affirmation" could be flirty/ sexual (wow you look so sexy in that suit) or they could be supportive (you are such a great father figure, I think it's fantastic that you are always there to support the kids). After BD you would focus on things like the latter and not the former.
Yes, thank you for the recommendations. I know it will take practice, but I am willing to make these new habits stick. Even before I saw little signs from my husband, I realized I have not felt this great in months. I have a new confidence and determination to keep on a positive path, whether that is with my spouse or alone. The personal growth has been too significant to abandon.
Things that typically work are counter intuitive. Right now, I would not talk about the R and the issues. At some place in the future, talking about the R issues may help...I am not an expert in this. Someone else may give better guidance. Just do things together that one of you enjoys. Singing Karaoke is not my thing, but I go with my lady because she enjoys it. I enjoy watcher her "do her thing". I will even (enthusiastically) sing with her, not because I want to, but because she asks me to. Same thing, she will go with me fishing. Not because she wants to go fishing, but she enjoys watching me "do my thing". Make sense?
Since we are talking to you, go with him and do something that he enjoys. You just enjoy being with him while he is doing his thing. Right now, make the events "his thing"....when the R is more on track, you can bring up "Doing your thing" together.
During this phase of the process, your goal is to reduce resentment. We always say focus on YOU and what you control. Forgiveness is a choice. You find ways to reduce your resentment and behave in ways that do not escalate his.
Originally Posted by uzer74
Separated and cohabitating--separate bedrooms....My spouse said he was done about 8 weeks ago.....Less than two weeks, my husband asked what had happened.....Now he is starting conversations with me. He's enjoying my company again, which is a vast improvement from not being able to be in the same room. We were literally avoiding each other except for our weekly family dinner. We decided right away that we're still family and need to put the kids first, which for ours means consistency and time together.....I know this is a longer recovery than I want, but I want to get it right.
So who is in the MBR?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Right, I'm definitely not bringing up the relationship. We talk about everything but that, and I make sure to let him initiate conversation or topic unless it's important, like an issue with the kids, etc. I don't think we're at the point where I could initiate hanging out just the two of us. I don't want to seem pushy. I'm looking for more signs that he is comfortable enough to reconnect in that way. Once that is clear, yes, I'd absolutely like to do some activities together.
I am in the master bedroom. He is in the sun room. There's a futon, and one of those cube shelving organizers for some of his clothing. Initially we laid some boundaries, like he would use the other bathroom and be responsible for his own food, aside from family dinners.
I recently offered for him to sleep in the master while I was working (I work overnight; he's a typical 9-5.) The sun room is having heating issues, and outside is around freezing temperatures. When I said this, I clarified that I didn't want to make things weird and wanted to be respectful, then he left the room and cried. I'm not sure what to make of that. I had expected some distance afterwards, but there hasn't been any at all. We still talk warmly at least twice a day face to face, and he usually texts me a couple times through the day. As far as I can tell, he hasn't slept in the master.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Things that typically work are counter intuitive. Right now, I would not talk about the R and the issues. At some place in the future, talking about the R issues may help...I am not an expert in this. Someone else may give better guidance. Just do things together that one of you enjoys. Singing Karaoke is not my thing, but I go with my lady because she enjoys it. I enjoy watcher her "do her thing". I will even (enthusiastically) sing with her, not because I want to, but because she asks me to. Same thing, she will go with me fishing. Not because she wants to go fishing, but she enjoys watching me "do my thing". Make sense?
Since we are talking to you, go with him and do something that he enjoys. You just enjoy being with him while he is doing his thing. Right now, make the events "his thing"....when the R is more on track, you can bring up "Doing your thing" together.
During this phase of the process, your goal is to reduce resentment. We always say focus on YOU and what you control. Forgiveness is a choice. You find ways to reduce your resentment and behave in ways that do not escalate his.
He brought up the relationship, well, sort of. Sunday night he caught up to me while I was on a walk and eventually asked how I was doing with the divorce. I told him that I was processing but wasn't afraid anymore, that I was learning a lot, happy with who I am and how I feel, and that I had a lot to offer. Then I said your turn, and he talked about everything but the divorce. Hmmm. I didn't push it at all, and he has backed off a tiny bit since then. Still friendly, still communicating multiple times a day, all friendly, etc. I can tell he's holding back though, and I suspect that he's holding back his feelings on the divorce. Maybe he's processing some conflicting emotions. Oh, yes, he also commented on my upbeat attitude. I've had a drastic change, and I feel like my old self, which frankly has been years. I feel simply amazing. I told him that I'm really relieved and ecstatic, since we have been communicating and working together. I said that us co-parenting and managing things together is almost everything I've ever wanted all these years. (I did not verbalize this, but the almost is because we are not a romantic we at the moment.) Previously he was very passive and not involved with anything really but especially the nuts and bolts of parenting and running the household. He's done his own 180 on that. I thanked him for stepping up, and I look for opportunities to thank him in the moment.
Our oldest is turning 16, and we're having family over this Saturday to celebrate. I'm nervous but excited. Our families know that we are separated, and I know the ones coming don't want us to divorce. Hopefully no one makes it their business. I feel like this needs room to breathe and develop at its own pace. Both of us are quite stubborn and naturally kick back at any unwanted influence. Mostly I am excited to do more as a family.
