So mid week update:
Monday was a weird day. I was anticipating silence. And I didn't get it. There was a lot of chatter. Text and in person. He caught me alone in the kitchen and sincerely asked me how my day was, so sincerely that I thought he was messing with me, and me being me and terrible at this flat out asked him if he was. Messing might not have been the exact word I used. He was a little offended and told me he really wanted to know. So I told him. Asked him about his day. He thanked me for making dinner and went in for a kiss like a normal married couple "thanks babe" kiss not a I'm trying to get in your pants right now kiss, and I reacted quickly for some reason and gave him my cheek. I felt a little bad about that but the more he leans in and wants to play house the more stressed out I get. As I left for my dance class he grabbed me and pulled me in and asked if he could you know have another go at that the whole marital relations situation later. I said I'd think about it. I did give in but mostly because we're now working with this super fun teenagers trying not to get caught by their parents dynamic and the parents in this situation are D17 and D15. I did get a little sick pleasure of kicking him out of the bed after like he was a booty call. That was fun.

IC went really well yesterday. She's just so wonderful, and it's so helpful that she had met him just the once so she has a bit of knowledge of what I'm working with here. She's very encouraged by the direction things are going, but wants me to keep DBing and not only DBing but she told me to think about the beginning of our relationship and specifically try to emulate the things I did that seemed to attract him and pull him in then. So I'm going to guess adding back in intimacy isn't really hurting my cause here...lol. She did say let's keep it every other for now, just because things are moving so quickly in the other direction it might be best to just kind sit tight and wait him out, if my anxiety or his behavior is really going off the rails she'll squeeze me in. We did touch on next time discussing a path if he doesn't go, and how if that's the direction we end up in we'll need to talk about boundaries I'd like to put in place if he'd like more time at home while he decides but is also leaning in since it makes me so uncomfortable. And thoughts about what I'd like the R to look like and what I'm willing to live with when it inevitably doesn't go my way.

I felt really good after leaving there, but it being a Tuesday by midday I was just completely on edge. I don't know if I'm going to be traumatized by Tuesdays forever now, or what. I added an extra class on Tuesdays just so I wouldn't have to be home. I did my class. Stopped off at my bff's house and just wasted time because I wasn't sure if I was ready to deal with him being with OW or my other dread him being there all night. He was there. He was showered and snuggled up on the couch with blankets watching a romantic comedy alone. And there he stayed for the rest of the night. I ended up spending the rest of my night in the MBR. I think I said like 2 sentences to him yesterday. He clearly was picking up what I was putting down. He just left me alone. Tuesdays just suck. And we had had 4 straight days of being on top of each other emotionally and physically (not just figuratively this time) and I'm really not used to that any more. I needed my space and took it. I slept 8 hours straight for the first time in years. Literally years.

I have dinner with a friend tonight, and I'm so grateful it fell on the calendar when it did. I don't want to avoid him. I don't want to seem too eager either. But honestly me checking out yesterday and today are just because this is all so much so fast. He went from a complete stranger living in my house to what ever the hell this version of him is. I don't want him to feel rejected but I can't keep going at the pace he's trying to go. I need breathing room. I was kind of hoping he was going to ask why I was being weird last night, but then I remembered even in a good head space he would just let me be if I seemed off unless he thought it was aimed at him. So even if it's him being a selfish jerk he's still giving me the space I need. That's a positive I guess. I'm feeling super emotionally drained right now and I'm wondering if this is a touch of emotional hang over.