LH is right. You set your own narrative. You wrote apology letters - so what? You were doing everything you could to keep your MR together. That's what it looks like when you step out of your perspective.
If you choose to give those letters and pulling the car over power, they have power. If you see them for what they were - then their importance lessens.
I'm not saying you have to pretend things didn't happen. Acknowledge everything, accept that it happened, but also acknowledge that they were just normal things to do for someone who was under tremendous stress and desperate to save his M.
Thanks IW.
I feel like there was a window of time where my W and I could have talked about these things. We went to MC for 6 months post-S, and in almost every session my W alluded to these things without directly talking about them. I listened non-defensively and validated and remained open. The C would point out to my W that I was open and honest and ready to listen - and she refused to go further. I am okay with that, it is her decision.
I gave it time.
Unfortunately, that window has passed. I can no longer continue losing out on time with my kids and losing out financially. It has taken me some time to accept that I need to move on (and yes I am aware I frustrate many on this board with my sloth-like expediency). The only reason to keep sticking it out would be if I had hopes for R in the short-term, and I do not. It would require my W to change in ways that, well, I'm not going to stick around waiting for her. I don't see it happening. I'll walk my own path and if she comes back somehow (which I cannot possibly foresee) maybe I'll be open. But I can't stick around waiting under the existing circumstances.
The passing of that window also means I need to move more to a protective stance. I don't want a nasty legal battle. I also am not going to acknowledge and validate certain things anymore. That ship sailed.
I still acknowledge privately, to myself, to my IC, here, what happened. I don't ignore those things. But there will be no more discussion with my W about them.
I am grateful for what I have learned from coming here so far. I don't see my situation as a failure... although at times I think I should have been *less* patient. There is a fine line between needing to validate and needing to set boundaries /stand up for oneself, and I think so many of us LBS's struggle and sometimes overcorrect ourselves into validation mode. I don't know. Or maybe I never found "what works" and my MR did actually have a chance.