1st Anniversary of Limbo, Indecisive WAH (part 2)

[wayfarer]

I have only two things to address on this mess of yours since my mess gets murkier and murkier every day, I'm feeling less wise and more confused as time goes on.

This interaction first:

I saw my IC tonight. She has asked me when am I going to accept that he doesn’t want to be in the M. How many times does he need to tell me? It’s been going on for a year. She says he offers nothing that a H should offer-no physical connection, no emotional support, he just a good friend. I can’t argue with that, but I am questioning whether she is right about me not accepting that he wants to leave. She says he has both feet out of the door but is hanging on with his little finger. I don’t know whether I am truly blind or in denial about this, or whether he is genuinely unsure.

I'm not sure how you can't both be right here-- he has both feet out the door and is hanging on with his little finger, AND is unsure. If he wasn't unsure, he'd be gone-- both feet and all his fingers. Is your resistance to this illustration that you think he's hanging on with more than just a little finger? Can you explain more?

I left my IC when she couldn't get on board with my goals, make sure you take some time to look back at recent past session and see if she has your interests in mind and not her own bias. The way I see it is your H hasn't remarried. He hasn't moved out of the country or disappeared with NC for a month. I find it odd that your IC would hear what you want and what's going on in the home and interpret that as you need to let go because he already has. I'm not saying she's wrong. I think you do need to let go. But not why she stated. IMO you need to let go because you need to let go. Whether he told you he wants out. Whether he's gone. Whether he's saying he needs a few more months to figure things out. You just need to let go. Prepare for the worst hope for the best. Dropping the rope has merit to it. It's freeing as h3ll to just accept that this is the direction things are going and what will be will be. Honestly you need to let go because it's what's best for your mental health, and for both you and H to move forward in this stand off.

The other thing I want to address that May said, is he's in there with a little finger. If he wasn't still hanging on by a thread he wouldn't be there. There is also merit to if they want to be gone they'd be gone. It's so true. My bff's H told me that the day my H said he was going. They went through this twice once as a full blown PA in their early 20s and an EA when they were expecting their very unexpected 5th child. They are one of the strongest couples I know now. And he's been so open and honest with me through this. He told me if our marriage was so bad, if I was so awful, if he truly saw no other option than to run from me and us he'd already be gone. That I have been and will continue to be an option no matter what is coming out of his mouth as long as he's still sleeping under the same roof. Actions vs words is huge at this time in our lives. I trust what my H does far more than I trust what he's saying. It's right in Sandi's rules.

You and IC can both be right here like May said. But you need to sort through YOUR truth here and act on that. As an IC she's gotta challenge you a bit especially if you look like you need it. But in the end all of this has to be for you and if you aren't ready to let go of the marriage that's perfectly fine. But you have to get to a place to be ready to let him go because if you keep trying to cling to what ever scraps of himself he's willing to offer you you are just going to remain in this kind of pain and he's going to keep running.

I'm also going to piggy back on what May said here about being secure in just letting him physically leave. Things with us took a small turn the day he told me he was going to go, and I barely reacted thanks to Steve85's help. Things took a huge turn when we had that lovely little heart to heart and talked about what this future he wants looked like. When he brought up that OW was likely moving in in June I simply said makes sense. We moved on. And before that part of the conversation got too far away I interrupted him and asked him if I should start bringing boxes home from work or if he is going to. He knows I've worked out the expenses hence our huge fight about money. He knows I'm ready. You wanna go, go. Like May I'm not saying we're on our way to recovery here. Far, far from it. He still hasn't even said he's chosen the MR or me, or our family or our life. He's only said he's unsure. But 2 months ago he said he didn't love me any more and there was nothing left in the MR for him. Something with these WS just seems to click when you aren't afraid any more. Its like they smell fear. The power shifts in these little moments and those are the baby steps to walking out of this whole a person and maybe even whole as a couple. You have to let go of the fear, my dear Pommy. No matter what you will still be amazing Pommy in the end.