Gerda Finally Sees the Broken Fragments

[Gerda]

I think I understand what you mean about not wanting your kids to forgive, yet. It stems from how accepting of things, young children are. They mush together acceptance and forgiveness; too immature to realize and separate the two.

I suspect S14 is grown pass that stage, now beginning to discern forgiveness, acceptance, and the tie between them. D10 is probably not there yet, but not for long, she’s a smart gal, and usually girls mature emotionally sooner than boys.

I empathize with the battle you face getting through the business of this situation. Such cruelty and viciousness from a spouse just adds to the tangled mess. Stay strong, progress is being made.

I do agree with you about vaping and the health consequences of it. The problem lay in the minimal regulations regarding e-cigarettes and vaping products. With it not strictly illegal to vape around children, there is little enforceable recourse. Until society, lawmakers, and further studies catch up, educating children is our/their best defence. Need to find solutions within the realm of what one can do, rather than want to do.

Encourage D10, build up her confidence, so she can ask her Dad about not vaping around her. He may just listen to her.

DnJ

I am glad you always see progress being made. I think you are right. I was thinking today about how I did get custody and I am still in my house even though it's going on the market, I still might keep it, how I am seeing friends and family again, and how I might even settle the whole thing on Thursday. I am just so tired, DnJ! I really am just so weary. The visit from the broker and the nasty message sometime later that they would be putting up a for sale sign and "you had better tell your client not to try to sabotage the sign," lord, they just get me every time. I have so many regrets that I didn't protect myself better. Looking back it all seems so clear but over the past year I didn't see that it could get this bad, I just kept trying to settle instead of protecting myself and my kids, and now it's too late and my H gets more vicious and scary each day.

D10 was so sad today, and S14, about the for sale sign. We had a friend over to help D10 talk about her feelings, and the friend asked what her dad had said about it. D10 told us that H had never said a word to her about selling the house. My friend said, "But what did he tell you was his plan? Did he say it would all be okay and you'd have another nice place to live?" D10 kept saying, "No, he just pretends that nothing is happening. He doesn't care about me." But then she asked me if she could call him to say hi, she clearly felt she was betraying him,and then she told me she didn't want to "ruin" their relationship by telling him how she felt. He just has her totally tied in knots and is leaving me to clean up the messes he keeps making. Or has no idea that she and S are human beings with feelings, even though he pretends he cares about D10 so much in his middle school boyfriend way

I worry that she is not safe with him. I am so scared he will hurt her, I have no idea anymore what he is capable of and he is so consumed with hate, but I have no basis for keeping her from the overnights so I have to just accept it.

She was asking me about you the other day. She wanted your advice on handling her best friend, who is a bit difficult. I said that it was very sweet that she thought about that and that you would probably encourage her to figure out what she believed and try to live confidently in that belief. I told her that after Easter we could ask you for your advice on the big issues of having a parent who is confused, etc.

S14 was very upset about the sign but he is so street savvy and confident. He told me he would be tearing down the sign regularly. I said, "I can't do that." But then I realized that S had every right to express his anger at his father that way. There is no reason to have a sign out there as it can be marketed without it to avoid upsetting the children. S might just pull it down regularly. What is H going to do, have his son arrested? Not that I told S this but I thought about what would happen if S did that and how it would actually be quite good for H to see how angry his son is at him, to have to face that consequence of his choices. He has never had to explain to his kids what he is doing, that is all on me, and to deal with all their confusion and grief and anger. So maybe it would be good if he had to explain to his broker why his son keeps ripping down the sign! Anyway, we'll see what happens, so many things are beyond my control at this point.

I saw an old friend on the street today, one that knew us 15 years ago at our last business and who is a therapist. I asked him if he was surprised at H's change, and if he ever saw any signs. He said, "Well, he seemed like a nice guy but I will say this -- he was very stuck in his head, and reminds me of many who work at the college by me. They are very heady, very stuck in the brain, and they are very angry. He did seem really angry at times."

Anyway, I know what you will say about all that. But I'm not rewriting history. I am trying to face what truths I might not have realized until now, looking back at everything, remembering all the times I felt unloved or that I was eggshelling or fixing our lives or going into debt to make H happy without him ever trying to truly take care of me. I can't deny it. I still think he could have become his best self through marriage, and I still think he had a drastic break/change, but I think the seeds were much bigger and more apparent than I saw until now.

And now it's time for me to go into Lent Land. I made the best chocolate chip cookies I ever made tonight and made myself ill eating them since I am giving up sweets and screens (for entertainment, not work). I am going to try to give up revenge but not sure I will be able to. But mostly I am going to try to give myself over to trusting God with everything -- my house, my future, my children, my joy, my writing. I know that's where peace lies. I am scared to do it though.

I was upstate this past week at our cabin, and the night sky was all stars, no moon. Breathtaking indeed. I will look for more and think of what you said about them. I am glad you will be thinking of me because I will be thinking of you, and praying that you feel all the awe you can feel encountering sun dogs on the horizon and the ones you see with your inner eye....