Went for an after work beer with a friend, had some fun discussions. She's approaching the tail end to writing her dissertation, and I'm so in awe of this academic achievement. The close folks in my life don't tend to have this type of advanced degree/work, and I find it inspiring and exciting to hear about. I'm more than a little jealous. Wildly jealous, actually.
In part, I wish I was an academic. I always did well academically, but never pursued options beyond my Bachelor's degree. I lacked a specific focus or interest - my job is one where I am more of a generalist. This is in part why I'm so excited to start my Masters in May. I made decisions to avoid unnecessary debt, and now that my student loans have been paid off I am glad I can pursue my MBA without added loans or cost. It's an incredible privilege and opportunity.
So I'm having a beer with my friend, and a younger man comes over and pauses. "Yail?". omg. It's a wonderful friend from my past I see periodically but doesn't live in this state anymore. I jump up and give him a huge hug which he reciprocates. I introduce him to friend, we chat a bit about basics and catching up. "How is W?" he asks. I have a split second where I wonder who that is. I then inform him that she is now XW, and that we separated about a year and a half ago. No more info - just that - and that I honestly don't know how she's doing, but she lives in another state now. He had no idea - last time I saw him the three of us had gone out for a beer together. I realize that must have been two years ago.
We keep talking, we exchange numbers, perhaps I'll see him before he heads home to his new state. I continue my visit with friend. She asks how that was for me - if I am okay about friend inquiring about XW. I say it was fine.
And now I'm home, and I have this weird pit of sadness in my stomach. I try to figure out where it came from, trace the emotion to when it hits harder. It was about XW. She just snuck in right there in my evening when I wasn't expecting it. A sucker punch to the gut somehow, though I can't find any logical reason. I just miss her is all. I still love her, is all.
I can move on and live my life and grow. I can be okay with dating or meeting new people. I can even believe that right now, this was for the best. I would not be my current self without this trauma and upheaval. I could never go back to how things were - never ever. I can be okay with all of that, and yet I still love her. I get a rare but real ache where I just miss her. It's what's left after I spent so much time concentrating on letting her go softly, not hating her, not being spiteful, and not accepting or giving blame for what happened. I'm left with this lingering love that won't leave. I don't regret it. I think it was the right decision for me. But it still revisits me even in those moments I think I'm fine. That darned sucker punch.
So I focus on what I want next. I want that advanced degree. I want my Masters, I want a focus on developing my thoughts and how I impact and interact with the world. I have to assume I'm still healing emotionally, just more "under the radar" and that I just need more time. I don't know what else I can do to encourage it, aside from waiting.
