1st Anniversary of Limbo, Indecisive WAH (part 2)

[may22]

Hi Pommy,

I was just skimming through my old posts from December-ish, when I was pretty sure he was on his way out the door, I asked him to wait until after Christmas. Through that whole month I went from panicky to finally ready to set all my boundaries and pretty sure his choice would be to MO, and/or encourage that (though I was really struggling as I didn't want to be the one to make that decision). And then we had the R talk where I assumed the outcome would be he was MO and instead had BD#3.

But the reason I bring it up is that I think I felt so similarly to how you feel right now-- panicky, not ready, not really accepting of what was going on. The posters here really, really helped me to get clarity on this and move out of denial and more into acceptance of what was really happening (H in love with someone else and wanted to be with her). I do think that was an important step for me, listening to what he was saying and realizing I can't just pretend or will it away. It TOTALLY $ucked, but it wasn't until I got this level of acceptance that I was able to start to detach and focus on what I can do and I can control, not on him.

(And FWIW, it was that night that he dropped BD#3 and I told him to go-- looked him in the eyes and for the first time meant it... and he said no. And the next morning was when he decided that my continued friendship and the girls were the two most important things to him, that whatever decision we made was one we had to make together, and that he wanted to see a MC together (I suggested the DC). None of this to suggest my M is on its way to success in any way, but I do think that my ability to drop the rope and tell him to go was one factor in where we are now.).

All that to say... I can't emphasize enough how important it is, I think, for you to listen to what he is telling you and do whatever you can in yourself to be able to accept that truth. It doesn't mean his feelings won't change. It doesn't mean logic won't prevail. It doesn't mean he will actually MO or S or D... and even if any of those things happen, it doesn't mean it is the end of your story together. But I don't think you'll be in a place to really assess the situation and be able to act without letting your emotions dictate until you can detach, at least to some level (and I don't think you're there yet).

I saw my IC tonight. She has asked me when am I going to accept that he doesn’t want to be in the M. How many times does he need to tell me? It’s been going on for a year. She says he offers nothing that a H should offer-no physical connection, no emotional support, he just a good friend. I can’t argue with that, but I am questioning whether she is right about me not accepting that he wants to leave. [b] She says he has both feet out of the door but is hanging on with his little finger. I don’t know whether I am truly blind or in denial about this, or whether he is genuinely unsure.[\b]

I'm not sure how you can't both be right here-- he has both feet out the door and is hanging on with his little finger, AND is unsure. If he wasn't unsure, he'd be gone-- both feet and all his fingers. Is your resistance to this illustration that you think he's hanging on with more than just a little finger? Can you explain more?

The hugging you to sleep doesn't necessarily mean he wants to recommit to the MR. It simply shows that he's a confused soul... and by pursuing him, sticking around the house when you could work elsewhere, telling him to sleep in the MBR... all of that may in fact be contributing to him moving away from you, not towards.

Last few questions:

What are your ground rules for a trial separation? Do you want that? Why are you inclined to treat S as an end to the M-- in your heart of hearts do you think it would stop him from going?

Have you re-read DR lately? Isn't there a section on trial Ses? I know that some experts do recommend regular counselling etc during a trial S, but IIRC MWD is more like regular contact is a positive and a set end date also to reassess (and ground rules for dating, etc), but doesn't necessarily dictate that you're in counselling.

And most importantly: Can you focus on what YOU want? what is best for Pommy that isn't reliant on any choice your H does or does not make?

(((POMMY))) You are going to be OK no matter what happens.