Dear everyone, thank you so much for your wisdom, your words, your questions, your thoughts. I made it through the weekend!
PLC, thanks for checking on me. Wayfarer, I so appreciate you reading along, even if you don't have advice, though I feel like I already get so much from following along with your thread. I don't have kids—I often feel inadequate to chime in on threads because of that. But I think it's the mix of perspectives and experience that is helpful. May, you are so good about asking people the questions they need to hear and consider (Also, good to know I can actually neglect the sourdough starter for some time! You're moving me a step closer to ordering some...).
Do I want him to MO? No. That is not hard for me to answer. My "why won't he go" feelings are totally reactionary. It is exactly as you say, DnJ: I don't want him to move out, I just feel like I do. Gerda and peacetoday, thank you for offering your thoughts and support as well. It all comes back to me, again—focus on me. In the long run, MO or not probably doesn't matter much.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Find indifference. Let go of your fear; it ties you down.
I know one part of finding acceptance in how things are now is to let go of fear of how things may be. My mind protests: I chose to spend my life with this man, I still want that, etc, etc. But: it doesn't matter how much my mind protests or how much I love him or how much I don't want D or dread not having him in my life. As in, none of that wanting or not-wanting will affect what happens ten days from now or ten years. It is all energy better put toward other things. Yet I still wake up with a pit in my stomach some days full of love and longing and, yeah, still a tiny bit of disbelief. Maybe right now I can't let go of my fear. Maybe I should at least accept that. I'm afraid he'll walk out of my life and our time spent together will only be in memories. How do I let go of that fear? I can meet with L and get info and feel less afraid of D. But that fear... I think it drives every other one. It's hard enough to live with him and not have the interactions I'd like (though, from reading other threads, like Pommy's, I know it's just awful and hard in a different way when the WAS is, like, hanging out in the MBR like it means nothing, or, like WF's, when they seem to not be able to make up their minds!).
I did mute my fear for a bit this weekend, but I don't think that's the same as letting go. H was home for the entire evening and next day, the first time in two weeks, feeling sick I think. He seemed about as comfortable with me as before, same level of new-year thaw. Asked me if I needed anything at the store, brought me some candy to try, started tiny conversations.
Saturday night he started playing a record in his room, not super loud, but our house is so small, you can hear the music in pretty much every room anyway. I haven't been able to listen to anything much other than jazz or classical since BD. It makes me too sad. (This weekend, I caught the first part of a song on the radio, and the lyric was, "Find a love you can wait for...." It looks like I've done that!) At first, I felt like I wanted to scream. I'd already felt emotional and wasn't expecting him to be home. He still hadn't said, Hey, I got a record player! I wanted to cry. I tried to calm my feelings. I told myself he wasn't playing music to spite me or hurt me, he hadn't gotten the record player for that reason... I began to look at it as an opportunity to listen to music "with" him.
I'm usually home on Sundays, but I left for a few hours to have some fun away from the house and H. I bought a rose bush, planted it, felt good. Every time I plant something in the ground, I feel like I'm planting hope. This is the time of year I look forward to new growth on every plant, even the ones that appear to be dead. Worked in the yard, inside found H playing our old records, one of our favorites. Gut reaction: How can he listen to this stuff? How can it not bother him! I muted my memories and fear. I went by his room and said, Haven't heard this in a while! We talked about the records for a bit. I sang along, went back to what I'd been doing. He stayed around all day and made himself dinner for the first time in weeks, so I decided to get dressed up and go out. It was a nice day with him there.
So, yeah... I don't want him to move out. I want the record player to move in to the living room.
