1st Anniversary of Limbo, Indecisive WAH (part 2)

[may22]

Oh Pommy, this is all so very, very difficult. And to have to work from home with him must be unbearable. Can you go to a coffee shop or something?

On the crying... I do think it is a good sign that he is a human being inside and can at least at some levels understand the consequences of his behavior to those he loves-- you, the kids, etc. I know it doesn't necessarily mean he wants you, or is choosing to stay, but IMO it is better than someone hell-bent on leaving and the door can't hit him fast enough on the way out. He is confused and sad. I get it-- I would be too, if I ever found myself in that position for whatever reason.

Here are my thoughts-- no matter what decision he makes, trial separation, real separation, stay-- it has GOT to be his decision. He can't outsource it to you or feel like you're forcing him into anything. Can you lock it up for the next week and give him the space he needs to make this decision? Meaning, probably not inviting him into the MBR tonight (I'm right that he leaves tomorrow?) and then just being as dark as possible on the phone this week-- nice and friendly when he reaches out but not initiating anything yourself-- all the rules Steve has laid out in any number of our threads?

At the same time, really spending the time you need both on yourself and your own mental health but thinking through how you would be comfortable with a separation or a trial separation, ground rules, etc. I wouldn't share them with him right now-- this is for you, so that if he ends up pulling the trigger on the rental you'll be prepared to say OK. If this is what you want, this is how it will need to be from my perspective.

The delay in signing the lease till the last minute-- gift of time. Don't try to analyze what it means, but be grateful it is there.

And I would try to not think from a framework of if you do XYZ he is more or less likely to choose to stay... take yourself out of the equation. Sure, you could drive him out the door, and I'm sure you could figure out how to push him to choose to go. But on the other hand, remember-- you control you. You can't control his choices, only your own reactions to them. This is a mantra I repeat over and over and did/does really help me with detaching.