Riding the Wave 2

[wayfarer]

OMG Wayfarer. HUGS HUGS HUGS. You are on a wild ride, sister.

First off, I think moving to the weekly IC appointments is a good idea. And continuing to double down on whatever GALing you can do. Working out might be good to burn off the emotional energy?

Ok so I'm just going to say it. My dance class is a pole dancing class. I have that 1 day a week. Plus 1 more day I do something called pole fit there which is a strength and flexibility course specifically geared toward the muscle groups and flexibility you need for the pole. I do yoga once a week at the Y with my bff. And then I run 3 days a week. If I work out more with as much as I struggle to eat these days I might die...lol. Granted I was a big girl before this, but I'm getting ever closer to an average sized girl now and I'm running out of wiggle room with the dramatic weight loss. But maybe I need to take up knitting or something. While I am reading more than I used to it has to be light material because I can't focus long enough for the deeper more detailed stuff right now. Something difficult and new but relatively mindless is what I think I need.

Some thoughts:

On the muffin shop... you go, girl. Don't feel bad or guilty or shamed for making this choice. I think as long as you feel it is beneficial for YOU and you aren't attaching too much other emotional stuff to it-- which I don't think you will-- it is fine. (Also whatever you need to do to know you're protecting yourself health-wise.) You know I've done it and I'm not sorry. In fact in my situation I think it really pulled my H out of how he was viewing me and made him realize I'm not the frigid controlling W he was trying to pretend I was in order to go. I know your sitch is different because you didn't have a SSM, but maybe some things are still parallel. My only advice in this space is to stay on top of reevaluating how you feel about this and to not be afraid to close the muffin shop back up if your feelings change. And not to make it too easy for him.

My drive is super high. I know I joked, but I was very seriously toying with the idea of making a tinder profile. This is most definitely filling a need I'd rather let my H fill than a stranger for a multitude of reasons. I think this is also pulling him out of the way he viewed me too, but different way. He really was so far gone he couldn't see me as a sexual being. I was furniture that cooked before. I think him remembering what that part of our life was like is piece that's been missing in all this new found interest in the life we were living. I'm not exactly expecting roses or for him to be asking for a date night any time soon. But romance starts with attraction. Him willingly admitting attraction is one thing here that I'm willing to let myself read into. And the reassessing is definitely a conversation that I had with myself and I'm sure I'll have with my bff soon. You think a lot like her, May

I think you saw this from his behavior and knew it was coming, didn't you? I know it feels destabilizing because you've laid out in your mind (yes, fellow control freak, I saw that) the path back for him that will work, the things he *needs* to do before coming back, and this isn't it... so it has got to feel alarming and difficult and totally throws you off your game.

I did. But he kept saying he was so sure of his trajectory I chose to believe it. Granted I know believe none of what they say and 1/2 of what they do. So it should've been a good indicator. This is throwing me off a lot. I didn't think he'd try what he did on Saturday until the 11th hour, but I guess maybe this feels like the 11th hour to him.

I might say, though, that much of what he needed to experience he has been experiencing, just not 100%. He has been able to pursue his R with the AP and sounds like the bloom is wearing off the rose. He sees that you're OK with him MO and will be OK without him and he's now wondering if he's OK without you. The million dollar question, of course, debated on my thread (and KG's) to no end, is if he needs to actually lose you to truly come back or if there is another path that may be different from the standard but still ends up in R. I've been re-reading Healing from Infidelity and she definitely advocates for staying in the R as long as you can handle it. (When you can't, then you walk.) What you're doing is poster child from her book. Have you read it? There is a chapter on what to do when your spouse won't end the affair and it might be really helpful for you. Though it feels like you're already doing everything it says.

I need to get the book, but we share the amazon account. I was able to get DR through my target app on my phone. I'm trying to not be super obvious about the books I'm reading about this. Not just because of the Sandi recommendation but one of the sticks in his craw over our MR or just a personality quirk I guess is that I find a subject and consume everything available to me about the subject. Then apparently not only do I think I know everything but a consuming interest in any subject is also very annoying. I was unaware of this until recently...lol.

Here's another thing that I think is important right now... he may very well pull back again, get freaked out that he slept with you, shared these things with you, whatever. I think it is a good thing that you were honest and open with him in the R talk. But be prepared this week for maybe how you might feel Tuesday night if he goes out with OW, or if you see him texting or whatever. Maybe this is a good time to plan to be out of the house as much as you can to keep your own sanity (and also for him to wonder where you are)?

I had very little on my calendar this week as we were due for another snow storm but it moved south, so I made dinner plans for Wednesday, and trying make more plans currently, because that's exactly what I'm concerned about. He went silent for 2 days after just touching my legs and sharing. This could send him reeling, or ping ponging harder between OW and me.

hang in there. Do you have one new thing you can focus on this week, just for you?

I don't know If I have anything new, but I think this weekend is candle lit bath weekend. Maybe I'll try a new wine