May, thank you for your thoughtful reply. I will have to think more on the dating ideas. I feel as if my life is so full right now that it is hard for me to prioritize my R with him. I can barely keep up with things here! At the same time, I am often annoyed by people saying they are "too busy' for things because I believe that we make choices by what we prioritize! I was being polite to a new co-worker and talking about what Netflix series' I have liked and she told me she was too busy for television. She sounded so snooty when she said it. Um, what? I don't believe she is married, has kids, and her job title is far less demanding than mine. I am over here working full time with plenty of OT (I mean 16 hr shifts), 3 kids, and I still run my household, drive them to their sports and activities and find time to volunteer to their programs. And guess what? I still make occasional time for tv because I enjoy it and like to tune out of my life. I was sick with strep a couple weeks ago and enjoyed being in bed and powering through a hilarious series. What I don't have time for is that lady and her judgy tone! Sorry for the rant, but come on. Telling ME your busy is just asking to get shut down. I was proud of myself for smiling and saying none of that :-)

Anyhow, I know if it's important to me to have fun and new adventures with H, I will do it. It feels hard right now. I feel like there are still some things we need to come to agreements on or agree to disagree on. I don't imagine either of us want to have these conversations because they end up in arguments. It is exhausting. And they hurt in a new way.

"Is he better, now, at verbalizing what he feels or wants or needs, or do you have to be vigilant to see it happening and stop it?" YES. He is. He has made several changes or at least he tries. He was committed to making positive changes when he came back, because he knew he had to offer me more than a simple apology. He grasped how complicated things would be to piece. I think the NMMNG book became an important part of his recovery because so much of it spoke to him. He felt like the book was written for him.

"And my other question is-- have you ever told him explicitly you'd love nothing more than for him to plan something for the two of you? If not, is it something you would consider?" This seems like a simple answer, but it's not. I have told him so many times, before and after BD. There have been times he has tried and it is often the same, thoughtless dates with no creativity. Other times, he responds with how flexible he is and he will do whatever I want. That doesn't go over well. Usually his response is that I am guarded and do not seem open to him. That never goes over well. So we easily fall back into old routines. I say when we should go out and I plan it. Lame, I know. Like I said before, the issue right now is more my lack of motivation to create more closeness. I think we will need to flesh out a few things and I think we both are avoiding the inevitable arguments that will come with that.

Flysolo, thank you for posting. I think I have read some of your posts, but not all. I appreciate you messaging me. I try and stay around here and read and post, but I can't seem to balance even one hour a day, unfortunately.

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela