Riding the Wave 2

[may22]

OMG Wayfarer. HUGS HUGS HUGS. You are on a wild ride, sister.

First off, I think moving to the weekly IC appointments is a good idea. And continuing to double down on whatever GALing you can do. Working out might be good to burn off the emotional energy?

Some thoughts:

On the muffin shop... you go, girl. Don't feel bad or guilty or shamed for making this choice. I think as long as you feel it is beneficial for YOU and you aren't attaching too much other emotional stuff to it-- which I don't think you will-- it is fine. (Also whatever you need to do to know you're protecting yourself health-wise.) You know I've done it and I'm not sorry. In fact in my situation I think it really pulled my H out of how he was viewing me and made him realize I'm not the frigid controlling W he was trying to pretend I was in order to go. I know your sitch is different because you didn't have a SSM, but maybe some things are still parallel. My only advice in this space is to stay on top of reevaluating how you feel about this and to not be afraid to close the muffin shop back up if your feelings change. And not to make it too easy for him.

Apparently what he had told me the week prior when about his big plans moving forward in his relationship with OW was only half the story. He left out a big IF in that. Apparently that's what is going to happen IF he stays on the path to his future with OW. Apparently he had been questioning things for a few weeks at that time. And he's been actively pulling away from her, but didn't want to tell me so I didn't get my hopes up. He, as I had suspected, but apparently he didn't, doesn't really know what he wants. Apparently this is why he's home so much lately. And just like on me. He says hasn't gone full NC with OW because he's still unsure. HE's unsure because up until recently he didn't see a future with me as an option at all. He now sees that. He missed me. He missed us. And he's feeling conflicted.

I think you saw this from his behavior and knew it was coming, didn't you? I know it feels destabilizing because you've laid out in your mind (yes, fellow control freak, I saw that) the path back for him that will work, the things he *needs* to do before coming back, and this isn't it... so it has got to feel alarming and difficult and totally throws you off your game.

I might say, though, that much of what he needed to experience he has been experiencing, just not 100%. He has been able to pursue his R with the AP and sounds like the bloom is wearing off the rose. He sees that you're OK with him MO and will be OK without him and he's now wondering if he's OK without you. The million dollar question, of course, debated on my thread (and KG's) to no end, is if he needs to actually lose you to truly come back or if there is another path that may be different from the standard but still ends up in R. I've been re-reading Healing from Infidelity and she definitely advocates for staying in the R as long as you can handle it. (When you can't, then you walk.) What you're doing is poster child from her book. Have you read it? There is a chapter on what to do when your spouse won't end the affair and it might be really helpful for you. Though it feels like you're already doing everything it says.

Here's another thing that I think is important right now... he may very well pull back again, get freaked out that he slept with you, shared these things with you, whatever. I think it is a good thing that you were honest and open with him in the R talk. But be prepared this week for maybe how you might feel Tuesday night if he goes out with OW, or if you see him texting or whatever. Maybe this is a good time to plan to be out of the house as much as you can to keep your own sanity (and also for him to wonder where you are)?

hang in there. Do you have one new thing you can focus on this week, just for you?