(((Wayfarer))) I could have written your post almost verbatim. It all resonates with me. I am sorry for your pain. It is so hard to "wake up" after BD and come to these realizations. Needless to say, this has been a very long journey for me, as I am thinking it could be for you. I have had to overcome a lot of depression and anxiety, in addition to piecing, while simultaneously making sense of the years leading up to BD. I am not necessarily a believer that everything happens for a reason, because in my line of work I see so many terrible things happen to good people that are undeserving on a daily basis. However, I choose to believe that we can find reason in everything that has happened. For me, this has been the biggest silver lining in my sitch. I can reflect back on my life and myself in ways that are more open-minded, less judgmental and also more forgiving now. I am open to looking at my own flaws and I am more open to change and therefore personal growth. I think I like myself more now than I did before. So while I do not feel grateful for the pain/suffering that BD caused, I do feel grateful for the awakenings that have happened in the last few years during the recovery. That is my biggest wish for everyone here, and I think it is more meaningful than saving a M, because some of them simply not salvageable (without the other half willing).

Kristin, thanks for that idea, I will look into it. It sounds like an excuse, but the time is also hard to find. The desire/connection is really not the same as it was the first many years of our M. Before someone betrays us or hurts us, we see them in a different light. We trust them and we also imagine things will be a certain, better, way (rosy glasses). I thought my H was amazing, perfect, would never hurt me, and we would have this incredible romance forever. I was truly blind and in shock when this unfolded 6 years ago. .... So when we then make a choice to recover a broken R, we do so without the rosy glasses. We now know this person is capable of betrayal and harm, so the love feels different. It feels like a calculated decision and less of a feeling or emotion that comes naturally. I choose to believe there is honor in this type of love, or second chance, because I am not sending the message that I can be a forgiving person and also that I can still love him despite his flaws. I just wasn't willing to do that until I saw his remorse, transparency and commitment to doing whatever it took. For me, I needed that to come before accepting him back. I also am learning that I am different than you, May and other posters, who have different criteria :-) It has been helping me to read and be more open-minded.

TBC

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela