The friend thing is what it is. I've decided to just kind back off from her for a while. She was the same mutual friend posting passive aggressive memes pointed at H. So having time to sit and think after reeling in my own personal hurt over the behavior, and talking to H about both of our recent interactions with her I realized I may have confided in someone who just isn't emotionally able to handle something this heavy without projecting her own relationship issues and making things about her. She's a good person and her heart I'm sure is in the right place, but I need support and love. Not shame and questioning. I question myself and my motivations 24/7.
As far as stuff with my WH this weekend. Dear lord it's a new thing every single week with this man. So we had that big heart to heart a week ago and he was telling me there's likelihood OW is moving in June since he's absolutely without a doubt moving out in April. I've been operating on that assumption prior, frankly, and since. But since I'm just tumbling down the rabbit hole of terrible DBing recently and even more recently terrible muffin shop owning I have found out that that is/was not the entire story.
Friday night both WH and I got home late-ish I was home and in bed watching TV but H had been texting me so I figured he'd just end up waking me up when he got home, I'd stay up. He came and sat and then laid on the bed and we chit chatted about our night and the friend that I'm having issues with since she has started posting passive aggressive memes about me being a door mat. We discussed for a while the people we've let all the way in on this and our positive and negative feelings about that. Then we talked about a bunch of other stuff some mundane some less so. He fell asleep in the bed, and I just let him.
Saturday he left to put a couple hours in at work, and a practice run for his upcoming marathon. I left shortly after for a much shorter run and errands. We were only home together a short time Saturday afternoon as I had a kid's bday party to attend. There was construction outside our house, I think maybe a water main down the block but the trucks were all parked by us. He asked if he could have the MBR for the night as he had to go in to work at 3am. I agreed. He mentioned what seemed like off handedly that he doesn't care if I wanted to be in the bed too. He'd be fine and just slip out at 2:15. Then he wouldn't need to wake me and move me from the couch. I kinda shrugged it off. And said maybe, we'll see how loud it is. When we were forced to share a bed Christmas night due to house guests, it was a sh*tshow. Like body pillow between us. He slept on top of the covers fully clothed. I cried myself to sleep once he started snoring. The idea of being back in the bed made me a little worried I was going to have like LBS PTSD but he was right laying on the couch the work in the street was super loud and vibrating from the machinery. So I went and laid in the bed with him. I went in the bed with every intention of the fighters saying in their own corner. I was in a big t-shirt and leggings. Apparently best of intentions and being covered from collar bone to ankle wasn't enough. He initiated and I didn't stop him, nor did I have any intention of stopping him pretty much the second he reached over to me.
Sunday night against my better judgement and my flitting around the house doing nonsensical "cleaning" to avoid it WH decided he wanted to talk about what had happened and we were going to talk about it. He apologized. And I did get a little snotty and asked what he was apologizing for. The physical intimacy or the emotional intimacy of holding me all night and kissing my forehead when he slipped out of bed in the morning? He said all of it. He didn't want to confuse me any more than he already had. And he didn't want me to be as confused as he is. Apparently what he had told me the week prior when about his big plans moving forward in his relationship with OW was only half the story. He left out a big IF in that. Apparently that's what is going to happen IF he stays on the path to his future with OW. Apparently he had been questioning things for a few weeks at that time. And he's been actively pulling away from her, but didn't want to tell me so I didn't get my hopes up. He, as I had suspected, but apparently he didn't, doesn't really know what he wants. Apparently this is why he's home so much lately. And just like on me. He says hasn't gone full NC with OW because he's still unsure. HE's unsure because up until recently he didn't see a future with me as an option at all. He now sees that. He missed me. He missed us. And he's feeling conflicted. I validated. "I understand. It's a tough place. I've been there. I'm doing my best to give you time and space." All that stuff.
He pushed about how I felt about it because I seemed mad. And since I was already crapping all over my own boundaries and DBing I just went for it. I said I wasn't mad. I just didn't want to have the conversation. I was actively avoiding it and he couldn't take the hint. That I just wanted to leave what had happened alone for like a day or two. That I'm getting frustrated with the idea that me bringing up R stuff is pushing too hard, but if he wants to talk about it I need to drop everything and talk about it or I won't get any thing at all about what's going through his head. That I'm frustrated that he thinks I'm so stupid that I didn't know he was conflicted and somehow he was going to hide that from me. That it's way too late to protect me from pretty much anything, much less from getting my hopes up. I hadn't assigned any meaning to the night before. As with everything he says and does in the last 4ish months, I just let it ride and see where the chips fall. That I'm living my life as if he's running out the door ASAP, but I appreciate him finally saying he's actually conflicted instead of forcing me to Nancy Drew my way through his actions to guess. He asked if I regretted it. And I said no. I haven't been touched in 3 months. And I don't know how I'd regret sleeping with my own husband.He then asked how I felt about him being in the MBR more, and being intimate more. A part of me wanted to tell him yeah never going to happen one time thing. Last hurrah, enjoy bucko. But alas the boards have been ripped off the muffin shop doors and I don't think there's any going back now. I said that OW isn't welcome anywhere in my bedroom. If he wants in and all the privileges in there she doesn't cross the threshold. No communicating with her at all in this room, and that I had a pristine STI panel Christmas Eve because of this nonsense and that it better stay that way. I've sacrificed sanity, pride, and apparently friends now over this mess, I'm not going to sacrifice my health for his indecision.
He had intended on sleeping in the MBR last night but got spooked realizing he had been in the bedroom when the kids started settling in for the night and "didn't want to give them the wrong idea." I may have not so politely said that normal families on the verge of a split usually tell the kids they are splitting after they've exhausted all avenues, and you making an effort in this relationship isn't "the wrong idea." He brought up the hopes thing about them. I wanted to say, those girls think you're a hopeless mess, I don't know who's feelings you're trying to spare at this point. But I did not. I just said I get it. He gave me a hug, and went and slept on the couch. He came into the MBR to say good bye this morning before work.
I see my IC tomorrow. I think I'm going to have to talk to her about seeing her once a week instead of every other. His behavior is changing so rapidly I just can't process this stuff fast enough to stay detached. Or apparently even make good decisions. I can see how antsy and stressed out him leaning in more and more is is making me. If this is the road we're going down I really need to talk through a new game plan of how to move forward if he doesn't move out as planned. And in the cases of both scenarios of either a longer state of limbo or if he wants to really try.
I just want to end this with if you see my very first post on my very first thread I asked him at Christmas time to just leave this alone and we live our lives separately and not have a single R talk until March 1. Why couldn't he just listen to me?? Lol
