Welcome Belle. My XH was living a double life as well. Like you, I found it almost impossible to comprehend because I am not capable of that level of deceit. I am glad I am no longer with someone who is. I deserve better. So do you.
Having said that, I do recognize that human beings are flawed and sometimes people find themselves in a situation they never intended to be in. But...one bad decision often leads to another and then another and pretty soon you are so far down the rabbit hole there is no getting back out of it. Hopefully that is not your H but you need to move forward as if it is... for your sake.
If he is going to come back into your life as your H, he needs to do the work... and so do you. Look at this time apart as an opportunity to rediscover yourself. If you are like most of us, you have been focusing on your kids and your H and you’ve let yourself fall to last on the priority list. Take this time to put yourself at the top - or at least second to your kids. Take the focus off of him and what he is doing. He has his own journey and you need to let him take it - regardless of where it leads. If there is one thing that I’ve learned in this process, it’s that you can’t control what other people do...you can only control what you do.
I know...easier said than done. I’ve been where you are at. I thought I would die from the pain of it. I was scared, lonely, exhausted and the saddest I had been in a long, long time. But it didn’t last. And it didn’t last because I forced myself to GAL and I stopped focusing on him. I wasn’t the best at it, mind you, but I kept trying until it didn’t feel like I was trying as much...it was just me living my life. And it’s a good one!!! Now when I see my H, I am indifferent. I don’t harbour any animosity towards him anymore. Seeing him does not impact the rest of my day. I think to myself...”there’s a guy I used to love.” And my main goal now is to be the best coparent I can be. All of my other goals are about me and my life apart from him.
You will get through this Belle. Maybe with your marriage intact and maybe not. So get yourself to a place where the outcome no longer matters. Let him go. Letting him go doesn’t mean he will never come back. Trying to hold onto him, however, may. It is the law of attraction. If you chase someone, they will run away. Don’t chase him. Do the opposite.
Post often. Take the advice of the wonderful people on here who have walked in your shoes. A year or two from now, you will be oh so grateful that you did. I know that I am. (((HUGS)))
