Yes - my pessimism really is self protective. If I expect the worse, then perhaps I will never feel the bottom-dropping-out-of-my-world utter shock, hurt and disbelief that I felt when I discovered H in an EA. I know I still am feeling the effects of that. I don't know how the LBS on here who are dealing with ongoing PA manage it. I generally assume the worst of him now until proved otherwise and it does cause damage. I think I still have hurt to process: not really about H - I understand why he did what he did and it's all very human and predictable. I guess I just have a hard time coming to terms with how vulnerable committing to someone makes you. That's still incredibly difficult for me to deal with.
And yes - it is always better to butter H up with lavish praise when asking him to do something. The thing is, I rarely ask him to do anything as he reacts horribly when I do. In this case, I was only asking him for information - if he hadn't have put fuel in the car I would have gone out and done it myself without complaint. I guess in this case I could just go out and check rather than speaking to him, which seems sad - but I do generally avoid asking him for anything if I can possibly help it and it is as a result of his unpleasant behaviour. He's very childish in lots of ways.
I have an easy week work wise this week so I have been getting out and about a lot. H and I have penciled in a day this week to spend together as we're both off work on the same day and the kids are at school (hardly ever happens). I am looking forward to it. Apart from the small things that I mention in the updates I give here now and again, things are so much better than they were a year ago. I keep bearing in mind May's words about being accepting of where I am and forgiving of my own inability to trust and let go just for the time being. I hope that changes as I think I will be happier in myself if it does, regardless of what H does or doesn't do.
