yes well, he doesn't have an IC, maybe next time he complains I'll suggest that he gets one! I like the 'so what's your action plan?' comeback, not so easy when it's about past stuff though maybe. I usually just say 'I wish I could change the past, but I can't' and sometimes that works, he's even said a few times 'you can't unwind the past'. No sh*t sherlock. I also think that too much validating of negative behaviour encourages negative behaviour, hence my decision to step back. Not to mention, I JUST DON'T ENJOY SPENDING TIME WITH SOMEONE WHO IS BORING AND MISERABLE!! Listening and validating are important R skills that I was late to learn, but yes I agree, not validating everything is sensible and might even make your spouse feel like 'well I've unloaded that particular grievance, I don't have to actually do anything about it now I feel a bit better'. Like making a new year's resolution to go on a diet and then feeling so good about it you reward yourself with a biscuit.
All this is so much easier now I've detached a bit more. I'm still a work in progress though, thinking like I'm training a pigeon here. Reward the good, ignore the bad. I once (20 years ago) read a book about how to train your husband like a dog. I tried some of the techniques in there and they really did work! Maybe I should reread that book...
