It is so good to hear you busy and happy Dilly. You deserve it!!
Originally Posted by dillydaf
If I keep away from him long enough he might finally connect the dots that I am not the one making his life miserable If I see him I think it'll be doing fun stuff, otherwise I just get associated with that moaning mentality! I'm determined to be fun, light-hearted and good company via text or in person, but not to reach out to him, he has to make the moves. Interesting that he temp checked so many times...If he does moan about my role in his unhappiness then I am going to point out that we each need to take 50% responsibility and ask what his 50% was, then shut him down if he keeps dwelling on my many faults (of which I do have many, but you don't stay with someone for 30 years if they're THAT bad!) I've had enough of validating his complaints about me now, enough is enough.
This sounds very wise.
I know we're in different places, but I've started to deal with my Moaning Myrtle H like this too. I will validate to an extent, providing he's actually speaking about his feelings and not just spewing blame or being critical. I had to think a lot about this - I know validation is DB 101 but I think I met so much verbal abuse with validation early on in my situation that he kind of got addicted to it and it just made him worse. Now I validate actual emotions (I listen out for 'feelings' words) and have a really hard boundary around blame and criticism. I don't criticise him: if I want something I ask for it specifically and accept his answer. He can learn to do the same. As soon as he starts with the blame, I say 'so what's your action plan?' or make an excuse and go and do something else. I kind of don't care whether he blames me or not, whether he carries on blaming me and sitting in self pity, or whether he does something to improve his life. I hope he does for his own sake, and because if he's happier I think our marriage has more potential to improve. But he doesn't have to be here if he doesn't want to be, he can ask for changes if he wants them, and he can use his IC as a punch bag if he needs that in his life. It's kind of refreshing.
And it is interesting about your H temp-checking. He probably needs punch-bag-nurse-maid more than he's willing to admit...
If I see him I think it'll be doing fun stuff, otherwise I just get associated with that moaning mentality! I'm determined to be fun, light-hearted and good company via text or in person, but not to reach out to him, he has to make the moves. Interesting that he temp checked so many times...If he does moan about my role in his unhappiness then I am going to point out that we each need to take 50% responsibility and ask what his 50% was, then shut him down if he keeps dwelling on my many faults (of which I do have many, but you don't stay with someone for 30 years if they're THAT bad!) I've had enough of validating his complaints about me now, enough is enough. 