Alison: what a positive update Maybe there's hope for you breaking your pessimistic habits after all! I found it interesting that you said pessimism is protective, hmmm maybe that helps me understand my H better as he's always been extraordinarily pessimistic about many things and got worse as he's got older. Being optimistic has its own downsides, but I'm not working to change that too much about myself any time soon, I like being optimistic!
I loved the way you took the effort to express gratitude for his acts of service and use words of affirmation, those are both things I have been working to find opportunities to express towards H as it seems to make a big difference to him. Difficult when you're busy being dark, but I've done it a few times lately. They do say you should be your spouse's biggest cheerleader! It doesn't come naturally to me, but I've practiced a lot on friends lately, and I can see H relaxes when I do it with him. And then your H reciprocates with your LLs, fantastic! Keep up that great work The criticism thing: that sounds very much like my H too, even a hint of criticism (which ironically he's so good at dishing out) makes him super defensive. Maybe part of piecing is learning how to rephrase what you need in such a way that it couldn't possibly be interpreted as critical? I'm trying to work out how that would work out in the fuel situation, maybe over the top niceness?! 'I would be so very appreciative if you could spare 5 minutes to fill up the car for me, it would make such a big difference to my day tomorrow and while you're gone I can run a bath/make a cup of tea for you to say thank you' If he likes being appreciated for his acts of service, then rewarding small things like that might make him likely to do it automatically next time without being asked? Just a suggestion! My H used to fill up the car and I was NEVER appreciative, I do regret that nowadays and if he does something small like that for me now then I do make a big fuss of thanking him and it does make a difference!
Maybe there's hope for you breaking your pessimistic habits after all! I found it interesting that you said pessimism is protective, hmmm maybe that helps me understand my H better as he's always been extraordinarily pessimistic about many things and got worse as he's got older. Being optimistic has its own downsides, but I'm not working to change that too much about myself any time soon, I like being optimistic! 