I am newbie here. Thank you for letting me join. I am at the lowest point of my whole life and I don't even know where to start putting the pieces back together. About a month ago I found out my H was/ is having an affair. (with a girl half his age) It has been going on for eight or nine months. He has lived a double life. I don't know how. He has lied to me with every breath, every day. I don't know how. I don't know how anyone could do that and sleep at night. We have been together nearly 25years, married for almost 20 years. He is the only man I've ever been intimate with. I know that is twee and old fashioned and not the norm these days but we met in college and he is the only man I've ever known. I can't even begin to comprehend the lies. The betrayal. The deception. I read one of the sticky threads that says I won't die. I will survive it. But I sure don't believe that right now. It doesn't feel that way right now.
I asked him to leave. He has an apartment now. He swears the affair is over. (who the heck knows if that is true.) He says it is over and it was WRONG and I can trust and believe that. But he isn't sure he wants to save the marriage or work on anything.
I am in free fall. This life, our life. It is all I have ever known. I am a stay at home mom and wife. I am very educated but haven't worked in a long time because we have moved for his career and his promotions. I am currently completely financially dependent on him. (I half joke when I remember how I skipped feminist theory classes in college to make out with him. I would come back to our apartment and fall into our bed and say "I am oppressed. I am oppressed. I need to liberate myself and not be intertwined with you." And then I would kiss him and forget all the lessons the stern faced feminist professor tried to teach me.) I am so scared. I don't know what to do. I am reading the posts and the books. I have done everything wrong so far and I am trying to do better.
Belle
Belle, welcome. And sorry that you have to be here. But this community is place for support and advice, and it will all help you to find yourself, save yourself, and allow you to move forward with your life.....no matter what. Lots of good folks here.
One thing I want to address because is is very common in our world today. The choice here is not between pure feminism and pure patriarchal viewpoint. There is a lot of in between area in there, and some where in that middle ground is the sweet spot! Being a strong, independent female in a modern world can cohesively intertwine with traditional gender roles. My W is in that middle ground. I have no doubt she could survive without me (she too hasn't worked in many years due to being a SAHM), but together we work very well with our more traditional lifestyle with me as the breadwinner, and her at home.
Unfortunately our current society drives us to one extreme or the other. Either you have to be a pure feminist or you are a traditional wife and mother.
You should be proud of the life you've lived. There is nothing wrong with the choices you've made. The problem is that your H, as a flawed human-being, made a terrible choice. I am sure he could try to give reason, but nothing justifies what he has done and what he is doing.
If you haven't yet I would highly suggest meeting with a lawyer. A lot of your fears could be allayed. You do not give a lot of details, but rest-assured, he will need to pay you alimony for a period of time, and he will be paying child support until your children are 18. Financially you will be fine, and have ample time to work out how to become self-sufficient again.
Again, this is hard to deal with. We all get it as we've all been there. I say all the time that I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Hang in there, it does get better.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
