H was here at 10am... he did his laundry and when putting stuff away said he needed to go back to Lowe's . He needed a bulb for the closet. One of the two bulbs has been out for months.. I never said a word. He is fixing all by himsef???
That left me confused... why is he doing this? Well after our talk last night he just wants to help. I'm doing all the dog care and he is trying to find a place for the dog.
He is still saying that he has to get right with himself before he is with anyone else
But the writing is literally on the wall.
He is speaking in absolutes.... I never could get sleep on Wednesdays, you were home and always too much noise.
I have a small parrot that stays in the room outside the bedroom It made noise and he would get angry... in would get angry when he moved bird. I didnt thin it was any less noisy in the entry way or laundry room.
Too must dust and debris to leave in kids room with carpet. Since this BD... I've been keeping her in a kids bathroom. Super tight fit but doable.
I've had this bird longer than anything, 26yr. At one point H and Injad discussion that I just cant toss out pet I've had forn26yr and she really is at the end of her life expectancy... H said unknown but I thought you could take her to work or something.
I have donen180s... he has picked up on showing him more respect, he has noticed I stopped knitting... these were his own observations .
The online gaming was an escape... when he first got into it again I told him it raised red flags because i kn we ut was an escape in his first M. I wanted him to not do it... at first it wasnt mich but grew over time to where he stayed he just loked his down time and needed to chill... I wanted him to relax he deserved that.
He said he does not consider himself married right now. I am free to date... he just doesnt want to know about it.
He said part of him wants to get this over and done with like ripping off a bandage and the other part of him just doesnt know. When I talk of doing the 1yr S before D... H gets defensive and feels backed into a corner... he feels I will draw this this out longer than it needs to be
KC, I would 180 on the showing him respect. Sorry, but no one deserves respect when they are cheating on their spouse. I don't care who they are. To me cheating is the lowest form of scum behavior a person can engage in.
I implore you to please please please just focus on yourself right now. There is nothing you can say or do to get your H back, he has to come back of his own accord. Even then I think you should really think long and hard about allowing him to come back.
I've written before about the rose-colored glasses we LBS put on. Almost all of us do this. Before BD, truth be told, we weren't really that happy ourselves. But after we get BD'd something flips in us and we think our spouse and our marriage was the best thing we ever had, and we can't imagine living without it. I know I did that in my own sitch. My MR relationship was awful. I was very unhappy. But when I found out my W was in an EA, and I initiated BD, suddenly I couldn't imagine being happy without her and our MR.
Likely there is a good deal of that going on for you. If you go back prior to BD it sounds like there was a lot of problems and sources of stress. Your work schedules are less than ideal. Having to stop the entire household for one spouse to sleep during the day is always stressful. (I remember my dad being on midnights when I was kid and it was awful!). Factor in kids and pets and the normal everyday life minutia, and what you end up with is two spouses so stressed out that their MR could never be a happy one. I think if you look back objectively at your MR pre-BD you will see exactly what I am talking about.
KC, please do what I asked you to, and step back from your sitch, look at it objectively like a friend would. Think about what you would say to a friend that was going through what you currently are going through. What would you say to that friend? What would you advise them to do? It is amazing what a chance of perspective can do for you.
If you read this forum at all you will see that I am staunchly anti-D. I think D is a moral and ethical affront to society. However, when there is cheating involved I think D is wholly justified for the LBS. The ball is now in your court. I know you think this man walks on water.......but do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone that is behaving as he is?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes... it must move forward... I would still prefer S over D... not sure why
I have been unfriended and blocked on FB.
He is done with our M... At times I can see he is so emotionally wound up... He states that part of him just wants it over quickly and fast like ripping off a bandage... and the other part he just doesn't know...
I believed in his confusion.
He has been all over the place from Ahole to nice.
I guess time will tell. He is picking up dissolution papers today and he said he was going to file for S... I asked if it needed to be done now? He said no... he has no place to go so he could hold off filing until he has place to go.
The forum sorts based on the most recent responses, so it was only a few threads below yours, but this is what I wrote:
Originally Posted by Steve85
Drh, I like your attitude, very well done with your current approach. I am assuming she is not in the MBR? If it continues to be too stressful, at some point you might want to discuss with her accelerating her plan to move out. I'd even entertain asking her to leave since she is openly in a PA. That will do two things.
1) It will show her that you are ready to move on 2) It will make her put up or shut up
Do not underestimate the power of #2. I know in my own sitch, calling my W's bluff really made her stop and consider what she was doing. And it caused her to question how committed she really was to her walkaway plan.
BUT, do not do #2 with the expectation that it will wake her up. You have to be 100%, or close to it, sure you are ready to move on.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Last edited by job; 02/24/2002:29 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
