I am newbie here. Thank you for letting me join. I am at the lowest point of my whole life and I don't even know where to start putting the pieces back together. About a month ago I found out my H was/ is having an affair. (with a girl half his age) It has been going on for eight or nine months. He has lived a double life. I don't know how. He has lied to me with every breath, every day. I don't know how. I don't know how anyone could do that and sleep at night. We have been together nearly 25years, married for almost 20 years. He is the only man I've ever been intimate with. I know that is twee and old fashioned and not the norm these days but we met in college and he is the only man I've ever known. I can't even begin to comprehend the lies. The betrayal. The deception. I read one of the sticky threads that says I won't die. I will survive it. But I sure don't believe that right now. It doesn't feel that way right now.
I asked him to leave. He has an apartment now. He swears the affair is over. (who the heck knows if that is true.) He says it is over and it was WRONG and I can trust and believe that. But he isn't sure he wants to save the marriage or work on anything.
I am in free fall. This life, our life. It is all I have ever known. I am a stay at home mom and wife. I am very educated but haven't worked in a long time because we have moved for his career and his promotions. I am currently completely financially dependent on him. (I half joke when I remember how I skipped feminist theory classes in college to make out with him. I would come back to our apartment and fall into our bed and say "I am oppressed. I am oppressed. I need to liberate myself and not be intertwined with you." And then I would kiss him and forget all the lessons the stern faced feminist professor tried to teach me.) I am so scared. I don't know what to do. I am reading the posts and the books. I have done everything wrong so far and I am trying to do better.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-66, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Belle, well I'm glad to see that you still have a sense of humour amidst all this heartbreak, you're going to need it That made me laugh so much about you missing out on feminist theory in favour of a man! I'm in a similar sitch, been married 25 years and H was my only ever real boyfriend, never slept with anyone else and was a SAHM for years. It is VERY scary, the worst single thing I've ever gone through in my life, but 18 months down the track I'm still married and still breathing (don't forget to breathe, it's very important, even better if you can learn different breathing techniques to calm yourself down!) You WILL survive, things WILL get better one way or the other.
Ugh, your H is such a cliche, how pathetic to have sex with someone half your age. Pathetic. You will feel sorry for him at some stage, get the rage out of your system first though, you're entitled to a whole lot of anger
I am newbie here. Thank you for letting me join. I am at the lowest point of my whole life and I don't even know where to start putting the pieces back together. About a month ago I found out my H was/ is having an affair. (with a girl half his age) It has been going on for eight or nine months. He has lived a double life. I don't know how. He has lied to me with every breath, every day. I don't know how. I don't know how anyone could do that and sleep at night. We have been together nearly 25years, married for almost 20 years. He is the only man I've ever been intimate with. I know that is twee and old fashioned and not the norm these days but we met in college and he is the only man I've ever known. I can't even begin to comprehend the lies. The betrayal. The deception. I read one of the sticky threads that says I won't die. I will survive it. But I sure don't believe that right now. It doesn't feel that way right now.
I asked him to leave. He has an apartment now. He swears the affair is over. (who the heck knows if that is true.) He says it is over and it was WRONG and I can trust and believe that. But he isn't sure he wants to save the marriage or work on anything.
I am in free fall. This life, our life. It is all I have ever known. I am a stay at home mom and wife. I am very educated but haven't worked in a long time because we have moved for his career and his promotions. I am currently completely financially dependent on him. (I half joke when I remember how I skipped feminist theory classes in college to make out with him. I would come back to our apartment and fall into our bed and say "I am oppressed. I am oppressed. I need to liberate myself and not be intertwined with you." And then I would kiss him and forget all the lessons the stern faced feminist professor tried to teach me.) I am so scared. I don't know what to do. I am reading the posts and the books. I have done everything wrong so far and I am trying to do better.
Belle
Belle, welcome. And sorry that you have to be here. But this community is place for support and advice, and it will all help you to find yourself, save yourself, and allow you to move forward with your life.....no matter what. Lots of good folks here.
One thing I want to address because is is very common in our world today. The choice here is not between pure feminism and pure patriarchal viewpoint. There is a lot of in between area in there, and some where in that middle ground is the sweet spot! Being a strong, independent female in a modern world can cohesively intertwine with traditional gender roles. My W is in that middle ground. I have no doubt she could survive without me (she too hasn't worked in many years due to being a SAHM), but together we work very well with our more traditional lifestyle with me as the breadwinner, and her at home.
Unfortunately our current society drives us to one extreme or the other. Either you have to be a pure feminist or you are a traditional wife and mother.
You should be proud of the life you've lived. There is nothing wrong with the choices you've made. The problem is that your H, as a flawed human-being, made a terrible choice. I am sure he could try to give reason, but nothing justifies what he has done and what he is doing.
If you haven't yet I would highly suggest meeting with a lawyer. A lot of your fears could be allayed. You do not give a lot of details, but rest-assured, he will need to pay you alimony for a period of time, and he will be paying child support until your children are 18. Financially you will be fine, and have ample time to work out how to become self-sufficient again.
Again, this is hard to deal with. We all get it as we've all been there. I say all the time that I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Hang in there, it does get better.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I can relate to the pain, the feeling of imminent death. I made my name on here "overtherainbow" because I thought it was truly over the rainbow where I'd find happiness again. It took some time, and more importantly work, to turn that around. You can too. Right now my gut is sinking thinking about how bad this stuff hurts you.
I will encourage to start walking out of the world of pain and into the world where you can be happy and decide how to live your life. I don't think there are any -isms or certain catchwords that will change things for you (and I'm very against most psychological cliches). I think you can turn this around, is that what you want?
I would encourage you to stop giving him reign over you. I think it'd be helpful to post here and get things off your chest. You will learn and grow from this and be even stronger for having endured it. Good luck.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Welcome Belle. My XH was living a double life as well. Like you, I found it almost impossible to comprehend because I am not capable of that level of deceit. I am glad I am no longer with someone who is. I deserve better. So do you.
Having said that, I do recognize that human beings are flawed and sometimes people find themselves in a situation they never intended to be in. But...one bad decision often leads to another and then another and pretty soon you are so far down the rabbit hole there is no getting back out of it. Hopefully that is not your H but you need to move forward as if it is... for your sake.
If he is going to come back into your life as your H, he needs to do the work... and so do you. Look at this time apart as an opportunity to rediscover yourself. If you are like most of us, you have been focusing on your kids and your H and you’ve let yourself fall to last on the priority list. Take this time to put yourself at the top - or at least second to your kids. Take the focus off of him and what he is doing. He has his own journey and you need to let him take it - regardless of where it leads. If there is one thing that I’ve learned in this process, it’s that you can’t control what other people do...you can only control what you do.
I know...easier said than done. I’ve been where you are at. I thought I would die from the pain of it. I was scared, lonely, exhausted and the saddest I had been in a long, long time. But it didn’t last. And it didn’t last because I forced myself to GAL and I stopped focusing on him. I wasn’t the best at it, mind you, but I kept trying until it didn’t feel like I was trying as much...it was just me living my life. And it’s a good one!!! Now when I see my H, I am indifferent. I don’t harbour any animosity towards him anymore. Seeing him does not impact the rest of my day. I think to myself...”there’s a guy I used to love.” And my main goal now is to be the best coparent I can be. All of my other goals are about me and my life apart from him.
You will get through this Belle. Maybe with your marriage intact and maybe not. So get yourself to a place where the outcome no longer matters. Let him go. Letting him go doesn’t mean he will never come back. Trying to hold onto him, however, may. It is the law of attraction. If you chase someone, they will run away. Don’t chase him. Do the opposite.
Post often. Take the advice of the wonderful people on here who have walked in your shoes. A year or two from now, you will be oh so grateful that you did. I know that I am. (((HUGS)))
Belle I thought I would let you know that you are not alone. I was the stay at home dad for much of my daughters life and my XW is the only person I have ever been intimate with. We met in college and I had done very little dating before that. Not only was my XW the only person I had ever been intimate with but also the only person I really had ever gone out on dates with. She had also been living a double life for many years of which I new nothing about. From my perspective, after 22 years she just up and left one day. The question is will you survive and the answer is YES!
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I am in free fall. This life, our life. It is all I have ever known. I am a stay at home mom and wife. I am very educated but haven't worked in a long time because we have moved for his career and his promotions. I am currently completely financially dependent on him.
The feeling of free fall is a horrible feeling. I wish I could take all your current worries, fears, stresses away but I can't. So many people give the advice to find the single person you once were but in our situation we went from children to being in a relationship and then married. We never really experienced life being single and on our own. The next year or more will require so much growth and discovery of self. Please keep sharing and listen to all the vets here who have been through something similar. This site suppose to help save your marriage but I believe this forum is more about saving yourself.
1st BD December 26, 2008 PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008
2nd BD May 23, 2019 Daughter confirms EA Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Thank you all for the warm welcome. I know I need to write more background, give more details. I will do that. I have been reading four, five, six hours a day on here. Old posts, quotes, catching up on threads. Trying to absorb it all and steady myself. Trying to figure out the best course of action. I tried to write a few little goals for myself. I manage okay during the day because i have a busy life and two energetic wonderful kids. But at night I fall apart. I REALLY fall apart. I wrote down just a couple of goals for myself. 1- Wake and go to sleep, a whole day without tears. Go through the day with grace and dignity. Don't contact hubby at all. Don't fire off late night emails full of hurt and anger and bewilderment. 2. Act with as much kindness and compassion and love as you can possibly muster in these horrific circumstances. Hold in your head and heart an image of the man you fell in love with 26 years ago and try to send loving energy his way as much as possible. Release hurt and anger.
Just a few simple goals and I have not managed a single day in which I achieve them. I thought today I was on track. I did. And when the house goes silent and the little ones (they aren't so little) are in bed, I fall apart. And I did again today. I shot off the email "how can this be who you are? how you can detonate this nuclear bomb in our lives and just stand there like a deer in headlights? how can you be such a coward?" and my loving kindness was replaced with pure rage and disbelief and now I am curled up in a ball crying. So I only managed grace and dignity until about 8pm.
Hi belle, sorry you are in this horrible mess. I know the pain you are going through. It’s good that you have your goals but I see them mostly focused around him, and how you interact with him, how you think and feel about him. Try and also have some goals that are about YOU, or that do not involve him or have you consciously thinking about him. Find things that will make you feel good about you. I know night time is particularly hard.
I think you are in the uk aren’t you, like me? This is PERFECT because when you should be sleeping, most peeps on here are in the US and wide awake and will help you through dark times. One night recently I wanted to go to my H at 2am (he was in another bedroom) and people here helped me through it. It’s a real blessing. Keep a little checklist by your bed of dos and donts , or some quotes, so that you can quickly ground yourself when you feel like you are falling over the edge. Be strong, you can get through this x
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
That made me laugh so much about you missing out on feminist theory in favour of a man! I'm in a similar sitch, been married 25 years and H was my only ever real boyfriend, never slept with anyone else and was a SAHM for years. It is VERY scary, the worst single thing I've ever gone through in my life, but 18 months down the track I'm still married and still breathing (don't forget to breathe, it's very important, even better if you can learn different breathing techniques to calm yourself down!) You WILL survive, things WILL get better one way or the other.