Alison: I see plenty of hope for you, maybe stop seeing the negatives so often? I'm so proud of you for showing that vulnerability, you cannot piece without it. And each of you telling the other that you're afraid of judgement, that is also vulnerability from both of you, which is huge.
How about you focus on celebrating the differences? Tell him each day one thing you value him for, and ask him to do the same. You're so focused on protection, it makes it hard to build warmth. I know it takes two, but someone has to start and clearly you're the more emotionally intelligent one!
Any progress on MC? I think EFT would be a great approach for you both, it's evidence based and more about building attachment than raking over the past. I do think it would be easier to do all this with help instead of muddling on through alone.
Dilly - you made me laugh. I know for sure I'm a pessimist - H has told me this, other people have told me this. It's a self protective mechanism that really really went up a gear after BD and it is hurting my marriage these days.
No progress on MC. I'm just not ready yet. I am still with my IC and I want to concentrate on that. But I have been clear with H about that without blaming him. I know it sounds like a bad idea - and it might be - but I think I have a right to go at my pace and protect myself and get my head in the right place before starting something like this. I think I need to be in the place where I can bring myself to believe my H and I am not there yet, though I am working on it.
This is my weekly update.
So - another good week - mainly quiet. I've been working at home a lot, which I enjoy, but have been out two nights for GAL which seems like a good enough balance for me right now. There's been real friendship there this week. I have been verbally expressing gratitude more, which I can see makes a difference to him. He seems to really really want to please me with acts of service (which aren't my love language) and when I act pleased or grateful (words of affirmation, I guess?), that encourages him to be affectionate (physical touch) and want to spend time with me (quality time). That's a good thing to know.
It's also been a good long time - several weeks - since he's done his weird angry sarcasm or impressions antics. He's STILL incredibly defensive and it's wearing - I asked him if he'd put fuel in the car a few days ago, and rather than answering yes or no (so I knew if I needed to go out and do it - it's easier in the evening than in rush hour traffic in the morning) he had a rant about how many times I'd brought the car back to the house needing fuel. I tried to hug him and said something like 'hey, I was just asking you,' and he (gently - this wasn't physical abuse) pushed me away and said 'you have a dig at me, and watch how hard I come back at you!' - in those moments he's like a different person. Completely possessed by this weird angry spirit that I am coming to understand really has nothing to do with me or what I've said. Clearly there's something in him that can't bear even the thought of criticism. While I still see that, and while he's unable to own it and work with it, I don't see the point of MC, where I probably would want to bring up aspects of his behaviour that aren't okay with me then pay for the privilege of sitting and listening to his incoherent ranting.
But this is one small thing and the good thing is that I don't feel I am walking on eggshells or avoiding saying what I want to say in order to contain that weird angry hostile alien that takes over his body sometimes. I don't feel afraid of that person any more. I just leave the room.
