LH summed it up succinctly. But just to be clear I wasn’t trying to get you to armchair diagnose your wife. I was trying to get you to understand bending to her every whim about what you’re doing wrong is pointless. You can’t trust that her complaints about you are actually valid. You can validate that she feels that way but if you can look at what she’s saying like this communication issue, or like my house me apparently belittling my WH everyday our entire relationship, and objectively see what they are saying makes no sense you validate and walk away. 1) we can’t fix our MR right now we have to fix ourselves and the WSs need to fix themselves. Eventually if we get in a space to R then we can fix the MR. Why tread water needlessly waiting for the relay, when you could be perfecting your own 500 M. 2) listen to LH. Is LBSs swing just like our lovely WSs. We tend to find center more easily but when looking back at the relationship we tend to first see it with rose colored then a post apocalyptic sh*t storm of Mad Max proportions. As we move through our statges of grief this happens. As WSs throw us a curve ball or a blow up version of a crappy behavior they had prior to BD this happens. Every body here is in crisis. We don’t always behave rationally. The goal though especially if their are kids is to try to find center. Try to be rational. Try to remain the anchor for the family. The kids need one stable adult right now.
Just focus on being the best you and best dad you can be.
Wayfarer, I didnt get that armchair diagnoses from you. No worries there. Your post just opened up my mind and I went in to my own rabbit hole. Thank you and LH for the good points. Its beyond easy to lose focus. Im starting to wonder if Im a narc now after some of the things I've done and read.
I'm scared, downright scared. Today W checked out my medicines for an unknown reason. I found she's checking out townhouses which doesnt mean anything as she used to all the time but still....and well she's acting nice. She asked me what I wanted to do for my bday and is going to make my favorite meal. So many mixed signals. I talked earlier in passing and she acted like she didnt hear me. Its not uncommon if she doesnt want to talk about the subject. Im thinking Im hypersensitive. Something new to work on and I think wayfarer noticed this in me a few posts back.
Empaths attract narcs, this scares me more. I dont know if she is one however everyone I've talked to is alarmed by her behavior, before and after BD, including my counselor. Normally you dont just "let your walls down" after several months of stonewalling and suddenly act nice. She stone walled me years ago for 2 months as well over a miscommunication. I love my 2nd child and I wouldnt trade him for anything. I did have serious concerns about W before we had him and maybe i should've asked for D or counseling then. Now 4 lives are caught in this.
I miss adult female emotional contact. Im not a cheater and my W mostly avoids me so what do I do but suffer in a way while building myself up and waiting with no end in sight?
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
