GALing, Detaching, While Parenting

[oceangrl]

Was just sitting with my H and he showed me a photo on his phone as a text message notification popped up from a women who’s name I’ve never heard him mention before. Not a coworker, family member, or friend that he’s mentioned. He quickly hid the notification and became overly chatty and nice, so pretty sure she’s the likely EA partner who he may be texting and snap chatting often. I’m not even surprised and don’t feel overly upset about it.

Thinking back, he went on a business trip months ago and had a free day and mentioned meeting a group of people at a bar and touring around town with them the rest of the day. That day I didn’t hear from him for about 10 hours straight when he usually will at least text once if he’s gone to check on the baby. He was very vague about the people he met then so very well may have met a woman there.

The more I consider him having an A the more it makes sense how he’s been acting...focusing on the flaws in me and our M to validate him straying and having feelings about someone else. My brother also happens to just have finalized a divorce and his ex cheated on him. My H has said multiple times that my family “can’t be mad at [her] for falling out of love with my brother” which I thought was just because he feels he fell out of love with me but now perhaps he’s defending her having an A which makes more sense.

First, I am so sorry you are dealing with it. I have been there. I didn't suspect it for a while because I was sure my husband could never do that, and also he hid it so well. He went from an EA to a PA (he "doesn't know how that happened" and was "so surprised").

But during that time I could do very little right. He was always magnifying my faults and how I always do this or that. Any anger he had toward himself was projected onto me. My self-esteem took a beating.

There is a book MWD quotes in her "Healing from Infidelity" book. It's called "Not Just Friends" and details how this happens and what his thought process is. Remember, while we all have to own what we contribute to a marriage, an A is not about you. It's about him. And the fantasy of who he is when he is with someone that doesn't know what he's like to live with.

Following the advice in MWD's books and these threads can help so much. Focus on yourself. Detach. It will come to your aid no matter what happens down the road.