Realtor due at the house in a few hours. W has been out all weekend and has done absolutely nothing to prep the house in any way. She is currently scrambling to get S18 and S11 out of the house for when realtor will be here. As for me, I woke up, ran to get coffee and donuts for the boys and made chili for football later on. Que sera sera.
Realtor visit went well. House/wife's business going on the market at end of February. W says she needs to find a job and does not know where she is going to live. We had a brief custody discussion (S11) and she mumbled that she wanted what's best for kids, and whoever lived in a town with a better school system (likely to be me) should be custodial parent. Said she "didn't want to fight."
Initial appointment with a mediator slated for this coming Friday. If you have been following my sitch, W has been staying with a female "friend" every night since July. She insists she wants a D and has told her family and a couple of close friends she is going to get a D. While it wasn't my first choice, I see no point in waiting around until she files and puts me on the defensive. I don't know that I could ever take her back given the breakdown in trust, and I would always be thinking that she is going to leave, is having a PA, etc.
I continue to work on myself, and am focused on getting the best possible agreement for me and my kids. She needs to work through this by herself, there is no way around that fact.
She's scrambling around to get the boys out of the house before the realtor comes. Does that mean the boys have not been told their parents may get divorced?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, the kids do not know as of yet. We will tell them when the D is filed (4-8 weeks from now). I want to have some answers for their questions ("Where will I live?" "Who will I live with?" etc) before we tell them.
W's MLC journey continues. Lately, W has been a bit more chatty. I went to a family birthday gathering with S11 and she said "tell everybody I said hi" before she left the house. She also said twice to me this last week "drive safely" when I left for work in the morning. Doesn't mean anything, I know, but it just seems odd to me.
This last week we took S19 to lunch for his birthday, the first meal we've shared together (M, W, S19) in many months. Conversation was normal and not uncomfortable. S19 had asked us individually that he would like that for his birthday. Considering W was was on anxiety meds and could not handle being in the same room with me right after BD, I was surprised she agreed so readily to S19's ask.
We are still separated and still seeking D through a mediator we have retained. I am in the process of gathering my financial docs to send to the mediator and will continue to do so. W confirmed with me that she is somewhat uncertain as to what she needs to send to the mediator and that she hasn't sent any docs along yet. I did not say anything to her in return.
I continue to detach, not pursue and 180/GAL. I feel like I'm progressing in each of those areas. I am looking forward to coming out on the other side and living my best life once again.
While going through items to gather and send to mediator, I came across a letter from my wife's birth mother to her. After reading it, I now believe my wife's (she is adopted) discovery of her half-siblings and her rejection by them was a major triggering event for her MLC. The letter wasn't hidden, and I do wonder if I was meant to see it.
The letter, about 30 months old, has some really devastating comments from her birth mother. Examples: "All I ask is that you do not force yourself on them as you did me." "This isn't just about you and your feelings." "I hope you respect their choice not to contact you if that is their choice. Not like your promise to me that you would not contact them." Wow. I can only imagine the pain W felt when reading this.
I did share much of this with my IC, who firmly believes this is the root cause of what we are dealing with. This is solely W's issue to handle, and thus far she has been unable to cope. I continue to move toward D through mediation. This is her journey, and she needs to take it alone.
I came to this forum convinced my W's AD meds were the root cause of our problems. Maybe they were. You know what it changes? Nothing. You still need to GAL, 180, detach and let her go to get her back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
This changes nothing for me. I am moving ahead toward mediation and continue to detach and GAL. I posted mainly as a journal entry.
I also think LBS's can get caught up in blaming themselves for their spouse's MLC and the situation they find themselves in. But, as my case shows, this is about the MLCer and I certainly believe there was nothing I could have done to prevent my W from going through her crisis.
D-bing your face off is the best thing you can do, and I intend to keep on keeping on in that regard.
