Learning how to stand, hope, & keep moving

[DnJ]

Good Morning cardinal

Ooh, a hunk of cake. Yummmmm.

Remember what they say about the way to a man’s heart.

Straight through the rib cage. Hmmm. That doesn’t seem to have much to do with cake. Might have that wrong. lol

I hadn't expected it to return for a while, since I'd felt so bad. I was so surprised to feel it surface again.

Earlier in the day, I could not have imagined feeling better again that night. Counterintuitive. I know there will be more days where I feel so, so low and have a hard time finding hope—it's just not a straight line, this journey. I needed a bit of physical and mental distraction in order to let my mind rest and work through things. In the end, it really was like I was challenging my beliefs and didn't realize that's what was happening. I can see myself going through cycles of this—I don't think all of those negative thoughts and feelings are gone for good yet, but now I know they can be replaced. I know they aren't beliefs.

That was a wonderful thing to read.

Yes, this is not a linear path. The journey zigs and zags, circles back, takes off in some other wild direction - eventually the trail smooths out and we look forward to the next curve and the unknown that awaits. The journey is you.

Challenge those beliefs and build them strong.

You just went through a pretty difficult rough patch, and emerged with hope and joy again. You know you are able to do it. You’ve seen yourself do it. Seeing is believing.

Sit quietly and answers do present themselves. I think your yard is going to be weed free and look immaculate.

I want to bring up something may touched on (Hi may).

Maybe we are told what we need to hear when we need to hear it, and it is all about staying the course and DBing away regardless of what your WS is doing around you.

Staying the course is the underlining message. And yes different suggestions are given at different times. It is also a bit of when one needs to hear it and when one is ready to hear it.

And then when you do relax and aren't freaking out anymore they say don't get your hopes up and why are you holding on so hard?

...don’t get your expectations up...

Don’t let anyone take away your hope. And don’t worry your hope, like beliefs, does change into something self-affirming and reinforcing; a slightly different version, yet the same intent.

cardinal, regarding wanting or wishing H would move out. May and Gerda have given good advice.

Yes, it’s frustrating have a teenage H running around playing his records in his room. And you’re right, too bad you don’t have a basement for I’m pretty sure H would be living down there.

Sit quietly and answers will present themselves. It’s how one can listen to their beliefs. Go weed the yard.

IMO, you do not want H to move out, you just feel like you do. To further that a bit, from someone whose W did move out rather spectacularly.

Is it easier or harder if the MLCer leaves? I don’t know. However, that’s not a question you even need to answer nor consider. The reason: Your regrets will be less if you don’t push them out. Do not manipulate the MLCers path. First it won’t work, and second you’ll feel responsible for whatever happens.

If you need him to move out for your mental health or your physical protection that’s different. Remember focus on you. Make decisions for you.

It’s not physical presence that consumes the LBS. We need to find peace in our mind and heart, for regardless of where our once loving spouse actually resides, they still live within us.

Whenever I imagine it could be more than friendship, it takes a lot of effort to push it out of my mind and refocus on anything else. I feel naive or dumb. I feel my self-confidence slipping. I feel myself expending too much energy on someone I don't know. Logically: it's not about me! It's not about her! It's about him. Emotionally: Why not me? How do you all do it? How do you stay so strong?

You are doing fine cardinal.

Lots of feelings stated that paragraph. That’s good. Acknowledge them. Accept them.

Focus on the rational, the logical part. You are correct it is about him - not you.

How do you all do it? How do you stay so strong?

Find indifference. Let go of your fear; it ties you down.

be gentle on yourself, this part hurts.

Our inner work takes time and reflection. One builds themselves piece by piece; beliefs and strengths. Don’t be afraid to be compassionate and indifferent.

The idea of more than friendship - yeah that’s a tough one to face. Lots of fear there. Lots of imagination running away with thoughts of what ifs over a possible event.

When my wife announced her affair I was crushed. My goodness that fragile male ego. I could not for the longest time assuage those feelings of worthlessness. She was into someone else, and he was “into” her. Not an attempt to be rude there - just assuring you it hurts just as much for a guy when he is replaced as well.

Our strength and worth doesn’t come from outside. Our spouse doesn’t define it. Their actions, words, behaviours cannot take it away - cannot destroy it.

Yes, at the beginning all seems lost. I wandered aimlessly lost in my dark fog; hurt and so terribly alone.

Then one day you start to rebuild yourself. Understand that you define you. We dust ourselves off and become better instead of bitter. It is a choice one makes, and in that choice one becomes stronger.

This is is most unwanted and wanted journey I’ve ever been forced upon.

Choose hope, understanding, and compassion. It leads to such good things.

DnJ