H came home this morning to make breakfast, then he was in the mood to chitchat so we sat around and talked a bit, even watched some TV together. It makes my heart ache a little bit when we're having nice moments like these. Because I know it's fleeting. I enjoyed all the familiarity about him, but do I still love this man the way I did? I don't even know how to answer that.
I sat with him until the kids came to the living room to watch TV too. I was getting slightly annoyed that we're spending a beautiful Saturday morning in front of the TV for longer than I cared for. So I went inside the bedroom to get ready, I decided that I'm going to take the kids out. He didn't want to join us like I guessed, so the kids and I did our own thing for the rest of the day.
I had a great day with the kids.
For the past few weeks I've been wanting to ask them about how they're feeling about all of this, whether they have any more questions etc but I wasn't sure whether I should keep prying about their feelings when they seem ok. I was afraid that I'd make matter worse.
But at dinner, I decided to talk to them about daddy. It was really hard to not say too much and keep things simple. I said, daddy loves you guys very much, but he hasn't been around because he is not very happy with his life, and when he's unhappy and he's around us, the unhappiness spills over onto us, and he doesn't want that. That's why he needs some space to figure things out for himself. S2 said that he's worried that we will break up. I said it's actually pretty normal that people break up. He said, "I don't think it's that normal." which I laughed, and I told him it's more common than you think. I told him it's okay to worry, but no matter what happens I will always be here for you. S1 said, "can we talk about something else that's happier?" I said of course, but we shouldn't avoid talking about something just because it's sad. I felt that it's important for me to talk to you guys about it because I want you guys to be okay. He said, "I know, I know..."
gosh I love my boys. I just want them to be okay. to not grow up and have this phase of their life be their "childhood trauma." to not be a father who is "always working". to be able to love and treat people with decency.
H is running still. currently running away from his issues using work. must be hard to use something you hate so much to run away from your problems.
some time last week we had a friendly conversation and I was able to slip this in as a joke, "Are you having a mid life crisis?"
