1st Anniversary of Limbo, Indecisive WAH (part 2)

[Pommy99]

. The decision to move out is a big one and telling the kids is (in my mind) this enormous watershed moment that will cause all these inevitable things to start to happen. .

I know telling the kids will be a defining moment and is the hardest part for him. The guilt is consuming him and he has been unable to have the conversation. I am not in any way pushing this part as I know that things are likely to snowball once he has told them..

Could he take a weekend alone somewhere just himself to take a break from all of the drama and sit with his own mind? If he does decide to take the apartment, does it have to be "I'm leaving because I no longer want to bang your mom forever" or could it be "I'm having a rough time, I know you guys have seen that, I need to take some time and space to figure things out" without needing to announce quite yet that this is it, kids, we're splitting up!!"?

he has 3 days every week to reflect on this. He tells me that he feels calm when he is away, because he doesn’t have to deal with the stress and anxiety of what he is doing. He does admit, however, that in some ways he is just burying his head in the sand and using the time to block out the problem. But conversely, he also tells me that he looks forward to coming home, because it’s calm at home, that I’m calming.

In terms of the message, he tends to talk in absolutes - that it’s over between your mum and I because xxxx. But again, in the last few days he has made reference to couples who get back together after separating, he has talked about needing to take step back to work ou what he wants, that he is too close to the problem and that leaving is the only way to get out of this washing machine cycle.

I do think your detachment and resisting any pursuit behaviors are probably really working. I would guess if you broke down crying and begging for him to stay when he says he looked at the apartment he would just go. You are forcing him to make his own decision rather than letting him blame whatever decision gets made on you, and that is hard for him .

I broke all the rules on Fri night. I went to him at 2am. I had been unable to suppress my anger, I had flung pillows and cushions around my room, It wasn’t enough, I couldn’t get the feelings to go away. I was angry at myself, for building my hopes up and misinterpreting his messages. He had told me he wanted to feel like we had a future together. I thought this was a positive, but it turns out that he meant that he wished he felt different so that he didn’t need to leave, that he could feel happy in the relationship and see a future for us. But he doesn’t feel that. So I went to him and told him I didn’t want things to be this way. We talked, I did a poor job of validating, I told him that his missing jigsaw piece was not a valid reason to end a marriage. He said he keeps trying to focus on us, that he can smooth things over for a week or so, but that the feelings he is trying to suppress keep bubbling and pushing through the surface.

The next morning I went to his room, and he lifted the covers so I could get into bed. He held me very close and told me the comments about the jigsaw were playing on his mind. We spent a long time looking into each other’s eyes. There was a weird connection, something I haven’t seen or felt for a while. He said it felt intimate lying there with me like that, it made him question what he was doing. I was glad. I was glad that I’d gone to him, that we’d had an opportunity to connect, I’m glad he felt it and admitted it.

The rest of the day was hard. We had a family day out and I spent a lot of time suppressing feelings, to stop the tears rolling down my cheeks. But he noticed, he knew. He held my hand all day. Whenever the kids were distracted we talked some more about leaving and the emotions he is feeling. It’s like he needs me to endorse him going. He does feel strongly about going but the guilt and fear are holding him back. I feel like he wants me to endorse this, to help him be at peace with his decision. But I can’t do it, I just cannot say that it is the right thing to do.

Finally, I was wondering again about what your instinct is on what is going on with the EAP, or if it really matters to you at the moment..
((HUGS))

At the moment I don’t think she is an influence. She has contacted him, which irked me, as it smacks of her trying to grab his attention. Although they had a half-hearted NC, and I do believe they hadn’t been communicating directly with each other, they were both in a group chat. I had questioned the point of NC if she was going to always be in his peripheral vision. She messaged him to tell him she was leaving the group chat, as she knew he was supposed to be NC with her. This really annoyed me....she didn’t need to announce her departure, but she obviously needed his attention, and to play this game of walking away. I asked how he had felt about it and he said a little sad that he had lost her friendship. But in all honesty, I don’t think right now she is a priority. I could be wrong of course.