I decided to let the anxiety about the envelope go—-I’m not worried that there’s anything he could be up to that would affect me in an immediate sense, and I decided that I should wait and see, rather than ask questions just to soothe my anxiety. Nothing has come of it so far.
Question after reading the conversation you had with your H - is there any chance he is considering filing for a change in temporary custody arrangements?
Originally Posted by HopeCA
After he put D4 to bed, he brought up wanting to figure out a custody arrangement for the D. I kept composed and we started a long conversation about custody stuff. We had some sticking points and he was frustrated and wanted to see a mediator. That frustration (re me not giving in to what he wants) quickly devolved into him expressing his anger at me for OLD things from our past (the same things he has brought up over and over again since BD, which we have discussed at length, I’ve apologized profusely for, etc) He expressed feeling that I was steam rolling him in the conversation, that I let my emotions control all me decisions, I’m inflexible and I always get my way.He brought up wanting to have taken D4 on trips in the last year and I’ve always said no. I told him I realize that and wanted to do the right thing despite my feelings and anxieties, and that’s why I’d said yes this time. It almost feels like my giving him what he wanted triggered his anger about all the times I didn’t.
I was genuinely shocked, I hadn’t heard that kind of anger and animosity and resentment from him in a while, and I validated and let him know I was surprised as I didn’t realize he still felt those ways. He said of course he does, it’s old scars and ptsd from what I put him through and he doesn’t know if it will ever heal. I tried to validate as much as I could. He also said that “the only thing he ever did wrong in our M was to kiss your a$$ and bend over backward to make you happy”.ummm ok. I breathed and said I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t see it that way. I told him that I know it’s possible to forgive and get past that level of pain and anger, because I’ve largely done it with therapy during all of this. He got quiet and said he was tired and left.
I am frustrated and annoyed on your behalf!
Keep standing up for yourself and what you believe in. Now you've seen a glimpse of how he feels, so you are better prepared even when he is "playing nice" for awhile.
It sounds like you have a clear head about what you think is fair and reasonable, and aren't going to be swayed easily by his emotional pleas.
Originally Posted by HopeCA
It feels like he just does not WANT to forgive me. It feels like he sets himself/us up ass a test and when he enjoys his time with me it makes him angry and think about past resentments, or something like that. I don’t know. It’s just so frustrating that he is seemingly choosing to remain resentful and resist healing/forgiveness at all. I just don’t get it.
It's a lot easier to justify one's life decisions when they can be blamed on somebody else. It's really that simple. That mindset also blocks personal growth... his loss.
