Gerda Finally Sees the Broken Fragments

[Gerda]

Westo, Cardinal, Job, Grace -- thank you so much for the love and the shower of hugs. I really really needed it and it really lightened my load!

DnJ, you are, as ever, full of vantage-point-clarity. I agree that S14 is finding his way. He still rages but far less, and I am glad he knows very clearly what he thinks and what he is going to do about it.

I do want them to forgive but I do not want them to forgive now. I do not do anything to hurt their relationship with H but I spent 7 years protecting H and I can see now that that may have made things worse for my kids, so now I tell the truth when they ask and I also volunteer it at times. If H had come out of it, it would have been a great thing, so I think it was good and understandable that I did that; but since he did not come out of it, and over half their lives have been spent with him very deep in MLC and mental illness, I think not knowing some of the truth confused and hurt them and made them unprepared to deal with the unfolding of the D. It is unfolding in ways I could never ever have imagined -- I never ever would have ever thought H capable of such cruelty and vicious avarice or so incapable of seeing the kids as human beings with feelings and hopes that can be crushed or beings who need care -- even just food and clothes! Had I ever thought that what is happening now would happen, I would have done things very differently. I am glad my kids saw how firmly I believed in marriage and how steadfast I was in waiting for restoration. So I hope that any mistakes I made are outweighed by what they will understand, from watching me, about marriage vows.

I believe that H is dangerous for them and they are only safe at this age if they don't forgive. I know that sounds shocking coming from Gerda. But I grew up with a mother like H and I know that it is very dangerous to be around someone like that until you are mature enough to understand what is happening and how to protect yourself. I didn't come to that until very late in life, and then my mother died before I was able to enact that forgiveness. At their age and their level of spiritual and general maturity, I fear for them.

And I don't agree about the vaping. Second hand smoke from vaping is really dangerous for D10's health, and normalizing vaping is a terrible precedent. She is too scared to upset him and we live in a big city so it's not like she can just announce she is going outside. He has the juul with him all the time and puffs at it all day. I am sure you would not advise me to equip her to deal with it when he does heroin. I know it doesn't come close to heroin, but I just mean that I think that at her age, she needs my protection. But I did, last time I brought it to lawyer, tell them that she wouldn't tell me but I could smell it in her hair. I don't talk to H ever, at all, except in my courtroom day-mare. I do keep records of all this stuff in case he ever tries to get more custody.

I listened to a sermon yesterday by Tim Keller on the furnace in the book of Daniel. He talks about how suffering is a certainty and how it will destroy you if you not only suffer but suffer over thinking that something must be wrong if you are suffering. That you can only be refined by the fire if you trust that God will use your suffering and don't become despairing and angry with him because he has not taken it away. So I have been sitting with that idea the past few days. When the waves of despair hit me, I try to remember that I have to give myself to God and let him refine me, and that I don't have to pretend I am not suffering or make light of it or try to just "let it go." Rather I can sit in it with confidence that God will use it to refine me.

I am not suffering anymore over H's change and rejection of me and our family. I am suffering from the torture he is inflicting on me and the kids via the way he is conducting the D and the way he is trying to control his destruction of our home and our life. I am suffering in trying to get to the end of the D so that he can't torture me anymore, so that I can be free.

So, yes, in a way it must sound like I really really changed. But I think I am still exactly the same Gerda. I just stopped believing that H would ever be good again and I finally realized that focusing on your kids, as everyone here advises, means fighting the MLCer's attempts to destroy/pillage with everything you can, while somehow still holding true to all that is good and beautiful and not losing yourself and your goodness as you fight -- and never making the fight an idol but only a means to an end, and the end is getting out of this horror with whatever you can salvage of house and home. I am still the same Gerda, I just remembered my own dreams and hopes for my own life my children's lives, at least as far as I can help them with theirs -- and I gave that man who was once my H to God.

You may wonder why this is so long. Well, it might be my last post for a long while. Lent starts on Wednesday and I will be giving up the boards til Easter. If any of my friends here have plans to be where I live during that time, you can ask Grace about how to reach me. I send you all a lot of love and will post a last message before Wednesday. DnJ, I will be carrying the mini DnJ in my pocket or on the mantle so you can help me a bit during Lent but I will try not to consult your mantle-sized self too often, and just rely on God..... But I will keep my eye for sun-dogs! And here are some songs for you -- Judah & the Lion, "Our Love" (Brite Session) and Laura Mvula - Green Garden and Band of Horses - The Funeral and maybe if you want to try something outside your zone, Red Bottom Sky by Yung Lean, i think it's so beautiful.