I decided to let the anxiety about the envelope go—-I’m not worried that there’s anything he could be up to that would affect me in an immediate sense, and I decided that I should wait and see, rather than ask questions just to soothe my anxiety. Nothing has come of it so far.
H’s behavior continued to be weird, seeking my attention and trying to be around. I have made myself scarce for the most part. Last night I gave in a bit; H came to pick up D4 at my house because she didn’t have school yesterday, and when he came in he was being that weird way again, trying to catch eye contact with me, commenting how cute D4 and I are together. He asked if I had dinner plans (I’ve gone made sure to be out the past few evenings) and I didn’t have time to think and said no, and he offered to go get take out. I knew right then I should say no thank you, but I said ok. We had a nice evening, after we ate I tried to keep my distance and let him be with D4, and he kept chatting me up.
After he put D4 to bed, he brought up wanting to figure out a custody arrangement for the D. I kept composed and we started a long conversation about custody stuff. We had some sticking points and he was frustrated and wanted to see a mediator. That frustration (re me not giving in to what he wants) quickly devolved into him expressing his anger at me for OLD things from our past (the same things he has brought up over and over again since BD, which we have discussed at length, I’ve apologized profusely for, etc) He expressed feeling that I was steam rolling him in the conversation, that I let my emotions control all me decisions, I’m inflexible and I always get my way.He brought up wanting to have taken D4 on trips in the last year and I’ve always said no. I told him I realize that and wanted to do the right thing despite my feelings and anxieties, and that’s why I’d said yes this time. It almost feels like my giving him what he wanted triggered his anger about all the times I didn’t.
I was genuinely shocked, I hadn’t heard that kind of anger and animosity and resentment from him in a while, and I validated and let him know I was surprised as I didn’t realize he still felt those ways. He said of course he does, it’s old scars and ptsd from what I put him through and he doesn’t know if it will ever heal. I tried to validate as much as I could. He also said that “the only thing he ever did wrong in our M was to kiss your a$$ and bend over backward to make you happy”.ummm ok. I breathed and said I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t see it that way. I told him that I know it’s possible to forgive and get past that level of pain and anger, because I’ve largely done it with therapy during all of this. He got quiet and said he was tired and left.
WTF. I don’t know where all of that came from. I guess I was naive in thinking he had been working through all of that (he had told me he was in IC a while back, from what he said last night it sounds like that was short lived). It’s just so frustrating. It feels like he just does not WANT to forgive me. It feels like he sets himself/us up ass a test and when he enjoys his time with me it makes him angry and think about past resentments, or something like that. I don’t know. It’s just so frustrating that he is seemingly choosing to remain resentful and resist healing/forgiveness at all. I just don’t get it.
Sure am wishing I had followed my gut and said no to that &@!$! dinner.
