Learning how to stand, hope, & keep moving

[may22]

Hi Cardinal,

Thinking of you. A couple questions I was wondering about:

I know the fact that he's still here is making it harder for me to move on as much as I could be by this point. If he needs to leave and go try out this new life for real, sometimes I feel like the sooner that happens, the better, in the long run, and I get frustrated. Probably me wanting to control this process again.

Do you want him to MO?

I mean, it is totally legit if you do. And also totally legit if you don't. One thing that some of the drama on my thread and this MC have helped me to clarify is what *I* want, right now. And I decided I wanted to stand. I don't want him to MO. And I stopped kind of the ping-ponging back and forth of "if he does this or that, I will want him to go" and was able to settle more into the present, uncomfortable as it may be, that I want him to stay even under the circumstances that he isn't presenting all the necessary prerequisites to really R and work on the MR. And I'm OK with that for now.

I guess I might encourage you to really think through what you want. For me, when I would bounce into the "well you better go now" feelings, it was all reactionary to something he had done or said. Whereas for say WF, it feels more like she really does think it best for him to go, it just isn't feasible right at this moment. It feels from reading your posts you might be a little bit more on the preferring him to stay side than move out? I guess it was just helpful for me to be asked straight up by the MC "do you want a D? No? then stop talking about it and reading about it." So I'm passing that same question onto you-- do you want him to MO? If not, then probably your best bet is to try to keep your zen weeding mindset about the annoyances with the record player and not being home and the inappropriate friendship. it is what it is, it isn't under your control, and you're a warrior for standing. Whereas if you do decide it is in your best interest for him to MO, then maybe you want to move that along so that you can start your healing process and he can have his fantasy bubble popped, and you're still a warrior. (Note that I'm not up to speed on all the MLC specific stuff, though I do think my H has some MLC characteristics, so I could be way off target. if so my apologies-- just know it all comes from a place of caring.)

Now I want to ask him about the records, just have a fun conversation with him about music. But I sense he wouldn't want a conversation the way he did a couple weeks ago. I feel the power shifting, and it's because I'm giving him that power in my mind. I will not engage him, won't do that dance. I need to get back to indifference. I'll continue to let him engage me, and if he doesn't want to do that for a while, fine.

Here's another way to take the power back... find someone else to have that conversation with. Reach out to a friend from college who you listened to records with and chat. Buy concert tickets with a friend and go. Continue to be kind to yourself and feed yourself for what YOU need right now, whether it is a conversation about music or an experience to share with a friend. I know you want those experiences and conversations with your H... but that may not be possible right now. But that isn't a reason not to have them.

HUGS.