I hate how on edge his good behavior makes me. But I'm starting to realize that most of it is because I constantly think that any good behavior is transactional behavior. That he's only doing something remotely human to either pay for something I didn't know happened or something he's about to do.
Argh, totally realizing I'm with you on this. And of course now that my H's good behavior has ended, I'm wondering about the "something he's about to do part" even more. So one thing that might help both of us is to stop thinking anything of the good behavior, right? Isn't that one of those things that sounds deceivingly simple? It's not transactional, it just is. Or isn't. All I know is that the good behavior in my sitch (which is not even the same kind of "good") threw me for a loop, and I've been trying to get my balance back ever since. Maybe it's a more gradual process, this balance-seeking. Something someone once told me just popped into my head: "The practice isn't to remain centered. The practice is to return to center."
I also appreciate all of your clear thinking re: your H's plans to move out. It helps me think about the possibility more clearly, too, why it's needed and not something to fear, though I'm currently feeling a bit frustrated that my H has never even brought it up.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
He some where along the way here went very Michael Scott declaring bankruptcy with declaring our marriage over. He seems to think because he feels it and said it to me, that it some how makes it true. I don't know.
He feels it and says it so it's true. That seems about right. He's got to justify what he's doing, right?
Originally Posted by wayfarer
The whole interaction was very strange. It went from how I was doing. And how concerned her H is about me. To her H running into one of two above said friends and how they wouldn't talk about my sitch with him. And when I kinda shrugged that off I was berated with the above. She was one of the 3 people I've been confiding in purposely since the very early days of this, and had been nothing but supportive of me up until last night.
Oof. I'm sorry you were subjected to her rant, probably over what you imagined would be a pleasant dinner. It sounds like it was more about her than it was about you, or even what she thinks of your decisions or attitude. I think it's hard for anyone to understand how they would react in these kinds of situations, and they project a lot onto us. You, again, are so clear-headed here and eloquent—you know exactly what you're choosing and why.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
What I didn't anticipate was the fact that I'd have to defend my non-stance on whole other adults having a non-stance on MY mess. I didn't think I have to explain to another adult that what they think I'm thinking and feeling isn't what I'm thinking and feeling.
What exactly are you supposed to do about the way his friends and your friends are interacting with each other? Why should that be your problem? Your focus is on you, which is where it should be, imo. Maybe your friend's disappointment with how other people are reacting or not reacting to all of this is something she feels like she needs to take care of, or something she needs you to get riled up about too, but... it's not. I hope this friend will give you more of the kind of support you need.
