Riding the Wave 2

[may22]

Hey WF,

(((HUGS)))

I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. That $ucks and I completely empathize with you. I guess the only thing I can say is that (hopefully) she is saying this out of genuine love and caring for you, just unable to disconnect her own biases from how she can support you right now. I loved how you earlier compared people saying they would do XYZ if their H had a PA to people saying "when I'm a parent I'll never let my kid do XYZ" and then there they are years later with their monsters glued to iPads or whatever. And I was judgy before I had kids and now I just have so much empathy for those parents doing the best they can. So I'm hoping you can not worry too much about what she's saying.

And as much as he's engaging with me now he holds nearly all the power. Not because I'm lying in wait for his crumbs, it's because I can't effectively put boundaries in place because he walks through them. The only ones I've actually been able to enforce have been the closure of the muffin shop and kicking him to the couch. (which in his WS addled brain in the recent fight tried to tell me he chose to sleep there**hard eyeroll**) I can't limit my contact the way I'd like to because if I ignore his texts he'll follow me around the house when I get home. I can't make him wonder what I'm doing out because he's not only stalking my insta and snap stories if he's not out with OW (and sometimes even when he is) he's sitting up waiting for me to get home. I have so little power in our dynamic any more. The second he walks out that door, all that changes.

I just want to challenge this a bit. I *do* think you have clearly defined boundaries and are enforcing them. No, it isn't traditional like you outlined later on... all the things he loses when he MO... but clearly you have set some emotional boundaries and it honestly seems like they're effective. I think you hold a lot more power in the R than you think you do. The fact that he's stalking you on Insta even when he's with OW? i think you are incredibly strong, sister, and even if he gets to see you every day and eat your delicious meals and fold laundry with you-- there is that essential piece that he isn't getting of you that he'll never get until he recommits to the MR.

Patience? Continued DB? I'm sorry that it is all so anxiety-inducing for you. It definitely seems like the closer he draws the harder it is getting. I don't know what to think about that except for you've outlined a really clear way that works as a path for healing for you and the potential for R in the future, and it involves him leaving and you going NC. So as he draws closer it actually makes you feel like your solution is getting further away and what then???? Is that maybe a bit how you're feeling?

Just like I'm trying to focus on dismantling my fantasy R scenario and focusing it on what I need for me and how I want/need to feel, I wonder if you can similarly look at your scenario where he moves out and pull out of that not the transformation that he* needs or the disaster *he* needs to encounter before he's ready to return to the MR, but what it all means for YOU. And are there ways you can continue to move in your journey towards healing, whether he is in your house or out of it?

And if you truly don't see a way forward with him in your house? You either gotta buckle down and $uck it up till April, or advance the deadline... but I know that is difficult for a lot of good reasons. Hugs, WF. You're super strong and a truly amazing woman. You got this, whatever happens. I know you do.