Hi Joe, from what I can tell, you are trying very hard to work on your M. It seems you grade how well you do by how your W responds. In most cases, using the spouse's response to our action is usually a sufficient measuring tool. However, if the spouse is not thinking rationally, is being negatively influenced, has a negative attitude in general, is engaged in inappropriate/secret activities, takes offense too quickly, or turns everything into a battlefield of drama..........then another measuring tool is needed. That's why you made a wise decision to join the board. Hopefully, you will learn a lot. I want to strongly suggest that you don't share anything you read or learn from the board with your W. I'll try to explain why.
Although you are still legally M, your W does not want to work on the MR and you cannot persuade her to change her mind. By that, I mean you cannot convince her to see it from your viewpoint.......or an author's book. I don't know if you've read Sandi's Rules, but one of the rules is about not trying to get your spouse to read books or watch videos on M. Why? B/c she is not in the same frame of mind as you, and she feels pressured whenever you want to share a new way to try. B/c of her resistance, it simply makes things worse whenever you try to approach her with something new you've learned. So, it's best at this time to stay silent about the things you learn.
It is obvious you are eager to have the opportunity to be a great husband to the woman you love. We hope you get that chance, too. You will read things on the board that seem very counter-intuitive, but I hope you will stick with us, and as someone has said, "Trust the process". DBing is the process that will give you the best chance to save your M.
I think most men want to pursue the WAW and prove how he can be a much better H. Before you can become a better H, you have to work on the man. Know what I mean? She has fired you as her H, and is not interested in seeing you as a better one. Therefore, I suggest you stop trying so hard to change her mind. Look at it this way. This period of time is for you to grow as a man, and as much as you want to reconcile, you need to pull back from her and give her all the space and time to fill the Grand Canyon. Focus on you and the kids. Take the focus off her and the M.
I think your W is being strongly influenced by her mother, and her female friends. That is something she will have to work out for herself. If you stop pursuing and emotionally pressuring her, she'll either realize she wants the M, or she'll continue to please her mother........in which case, she won't be wife material and will follow in mother's footsteps. It's sad that her mother feeds her negative junk, and it's sadder that your W feels she needs to check every move with her mother. It won't be easy for you to hold back and not try to give your two cents, but at the moment, I think your W sees you as the opponent and she's not going to side with you.
Read the links in the welcome post, especially the ones on detaching, boundaries, and validation.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
