All those possible reasons and probably more! I tend to think it's another step that would be more reality than fun fantasy, and that's part of it. I don't even think I feel a need to know an answer to the question, so much as I know the fact that he's still here is making it harder for me to move on as much as I could be by this point. If he needs to leave and go try out this new life for real, sometimes I feel like the sooner that happens, the better, in the long run, and I get frustrated. Probably me wanting to control this process again.
I have read HaWho's postings. I wish we had a basement! Ha. I have to walk by his room every time I go in or out of the house. He's seemed so much less teenagerish this year in some ways, and it's not a stretch to think this is just him getting back to something he/we both loved. Part of his journey to find out who he is again. Either way, it's his journey, and I can't control it, so if I can get to a place where I can let go of all of these things he does as soon as I notice them, that would be ideal.
So, obviously, I also haven't reached the stage where he could tell me he's had an orgy with 22 women, and I respond with a shrug (outwardly, maybe, but inwardly is a different story). Every time I see some glimpse of this friend, my emotions skyrocket for a bit. His best friend was a woman for our entire marriage and it never bothered me—he was unhappy with that relationship too, so the new friend is, he thinks, a much better replacement. Whenever I imagine it could be more than friendship, it takes a lot of effort to push it out of my mind and refocus on anything else. I feel naive or dumb. I feel my self-confidence slipping. I feel myself expending too much energy on someone I don't know. Logically: it's not about me! It's not about her! It's about him. Emotionally: Why not me? How do you all do it? How do you stay so strong?
Since he's started being gone every evening again, I feel myself wanting to initiate more conversation with him; whereas, when he was around every day, it felt more like he was pursuing me, and I was totally fine with not engaging at all. Now I want to ask him about the records, just have a fun conversation with him about music. But I sense he wouldn't want a conversation the way he did a couple weeks ago. I feel the power shifting, and it's because I'm giving him that power in my mind. I will not engage him, won't do that dance. I need to get back to indifference. I'll continue to let him engage me, and if he doesn't want to do that for a while, fine.
More proof that I'm zigzagging on this journey. I just have to keep going.
