Cross countries separation EU

[Pack_19]

hi Sandi!

I am back, well the reason why you feel like going in circles is because I am as stubborn as a brick with another brick stuck to it! I get your message, believe me I do, and you cannot imagine how much it means to me (((hugs))).

I dont think I will persuade her with words and pressure is more like I have behaved like a trader in the sense of hey, I am changing, why wont you give me an opportunity? I have read DR but my understanding was completely wrong. I told myself, if I can change, if I can get rid of the things she has complaint over and over and be the most loving, independent and strong man, I will have a chance with her. I was focusing my changes on getting her back, over and over again.

Last weekend I was in Spain, it was the 10 year anniversary from our first serious date, when I took her to some roman ruins close to our city and then out for lunch. I wanted to see her and tell her about marriage 2.0 on the ruins on the one I shattered. After my selfish me planned to see her, I tried to call her and guess what, yes I got more ignorance, contempt and fury. We spoke on the phone, again she told me to listen and not talk and she said she thought there was nothing to repair between us and that I was not giving her space. I went back to Germany broken because of some stupid expectations I built myself. I am constantly listening to the book Many separation survival on my phone and the first thing the author says is, have no expectations, a bad interaction is expected, a good one is a surprise not to get excited about.

On the good side I made her a valentine card from the kids where they wrote what a good mom she is, my S6 told me how much she liked it. I am glad I could give her something to make her happy, no ulterior motives. I bought animal costumes for both my S6 and S1 as well as myself and we plan to throw a party in the new house the day I move all the furniture. They are thrilled!

The fact that we are separated and she told me I was the problem and I had to change has made me hang up to our marriage for good. I keep making mistakes in my mindset and I keep trying to see her or meet her. I have made many mistakes, but I have also made changes in myself physically, emotionally and spiritually and I want to be happy with her if possible.

Starting today, there will be no more attempts to call her, meet her or talk to her, I will spend many days at home crying for the loss of my M but I deserve a woman who loves me for all I am and not a person who keeps telling me that I am harassing her. I will build a life for me and my children and I will exclude her from it, and I will be happy as a single man and I will become a man that I can look at the mirror to with pride. I will love my two sons above everything and more than anyone will ever do and I will be social, open and fun. My posts in this wall will go from being focused on her and her reaction to be focused on my healing and my changes.

I have started struggling to sleep 8 hours again, I think I put a lot of pressure on myself and getting a positive interaction with her, what an idiot I have become. I need to rewrite my DR goals, because many of them are focused on us going on a date or having a better relationship. I am happy in front of her and I try to avoid arguing but I dont need goals that help me detach.
Here is a first list:

> Learn to play piano
> Be more present with my children
> Promote at the new job
> Muscle up a little bit
> save up for the car I always wanted

Thanks a lot and as I always say please keep posting! your messages mean the world to me!