My commute to DC was 1 hour and 30 minutes when the sun was shining and no accidents. If it was raining or snowing, the commute was almost double that one way. If he's driving that entire commute himself, yes, it can be stressful. If he's not driving it and has someone else doing the driving, he could catch naps on the way in and out. I, too, wouldn't trade my home and property to live closer.
If he's been doing the commute the entire marriage, why didn't a move take place earlier in the marriage? You don't have to answer my question unless you want to.
I still get the impression that you are making all kinds of excuses for his behavior when you need to be focusing and working on you. It's almost like you are trying to justify his wanting to leave. KC, you deserve better than all of this gaslighting he's doing. As for the "home" magazines sitting around, he's trying to get into your head and create more anxiety for you.
KC, we are trying to help you get to a better place, but you also need to help yourself a bit here. This isn't the first time around for you w/this man wanting to move and leave the marriage. Don't help him leave or figure out his finances. Worry about you and what you are going to do if he leaves. He's a grown man and the sooner he learns that the grass isn't greener over on the other side the better. He's the problem, not you.
KC, straighten that spine, hold your head up high and tell yourself every time he acting like a putz, that you are a good person and deserve better and you definitely deserve respect in all aspects of your life. Don't allow him to speak to you the way he does when he's angry, walk away from him, go to another room or just take a drive. You are not his punching bag. In order to get respect, you've got to respect yourself and set those boundaries.
S18 was in good strong school system. He has had challenges and a school change would have been hard.
My H understood that...
The deal 2yr ago was to move closer when S18 graduated. He just got the feeling that was never going to happen given the work done, my tone in talking about what to do. Pile into that the rejection that had building up and some jealousy on my part for the NYE... AND, he had such a fun time he just wants that more.
He is over the drive.
He is over me.
I've been getting great advice. I've gone over so much minutia. But he has been gone all day again. I know he was looking at houses today. Its 3pm and he is not home. He gets up at 7pm and leaves for work at 8pm.
He didnt pack a bag so he wasnt intentionally not coming home. .. but here we are again.
He doesnt hate me. He does care about me and doesnt want me to lose the house. But he is nice to me and I think maybe, maybe he will change his mind. Im somewhere and he wants to know where, but he is only calling to talk about timeshare stuff. But he clearly wants to move on.
He has said he wants to move on... he is taking steps to do so... maybe not as quickly as some.
I've got to stop thinking kindness is wanting a way back in. Asking me where I am at is just knee jerk reaction because he isn't asking today and he certainly isn't letting me know he is okay.
KitKat! I'm so deeply sorry to read your updates. You supported me a lot last year and I haven't been back here as often recently but I just read through your thread and have to respond. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It seems like the rug was ripped from right under your feet. It was so great that you were able to save your marriage previously but it seems like your husband is prone to doing this. It's so awful what you're going through. You are brave to be facing your husband head-on in his state of rage.
KitKat I have a question. Forgive me if didn't spot the answer. Why do you think your husband is doing this now? What triggered it? I read that you rejected his advances and he felt hurt and he's tired of commuting all that, but why this sudden need to get divorced quickly and buy a new house closer to work? My suspicion based on having been through this is there's another woman that your husband would like to pursue. He may or may not have started something but if he hasn't, he probably wants to do so as soon as possible. Your lack of affection, other supposed faults, and his long commute create a convincing and compelling case for him to divorce you and move out. By blaming you and his commute he gets to leave the marriage free of shame, perhaps even with sympathy from those around him, since you are the bad guy and he's the victim. I'm sure you do have faults and his commute isn't that fun, but there are probably 200 solutions to these problems that'd allow the marriage to continue. Counseling, changing jobs, moving closer to his work together (both of you), taking an early retirement, making a five-year plan, buying a small apartment closer to work where he can sleep on some nights and come home on other nights, etc.... You sound like such a nice, accommodating, and receptive person. I'm sure you would have been willing to work with your husband to find solutions if he came to you and said he's unhappy. Or he could tell you he's unhappy and the two of you agree to try for a while to fix the problems, even if you've had them in the past, but you could try even harder. And if that doesn't work you could go to counseling. And if that doesn't work you could do a trial separation. And then, if nothing else in the entire universe works you could consider divorce. Your husband has a voice so he could have spoken up at any time instead of suffering in silence. Everyone is capable of communicating and learning problem solving skills and brainstorming ideas. All it takes is a willingness to try. Instead your husband ambushed you with a sudden and urgent divorce and he needs to buy his own house immediately. This is not rational!! Especially the way that he's trying to make you suffer. He likely wants you to suffer so that he doesn't need to feel guilty for what he's doing, which he knows is wrong.
If you recall my situation my husband left twice. Both times he blamed me for being a bad wife, said he doesn't love me, he's not happy, etc.. There was no effort from his side to make it work. He has always denied cheating and always will, but both times I found out on my own that it was all due to another woman. He simply met another woman and wanted to be with her. I guess it's not acceptable to admit that he's a cheater so he had to blame me for everything. He said so many things like he needs his freedom, felt trapped by marriage, wants to live his own life, etc.. but within weeks (or less) of leaving me he was already living with another woman and committed to someone else.
Are there ways you can check to see what your husband is really up to? Not that you need to know, but if he's lying to you it'd be nice to know the truth.
Your husband can have his divorce and move closer to work and if he's cheating he can have his fun with the other woman but it might not all work out for him. The other woman might dump him, he might realize he misses you, he might not like living on one income, he might wake up one day and realize what he's done. Then he'll be back begging to try again. The problem is that he isn't stable or mature. It's a really tough call deciding whether you'd like to leave the door open to reconciling with someone like that.
I'd personally find it very difficult to live with someone who is actively planning a divorce and toxic to be around. You know yourself and your situation best but if I were in your shoes I'd probably find another place to stay. I'm so deeply sorry again. I wish no one would ever have to go through this.
It seems like he reacts, you leap into action. Have you ever heard the old saying "The person that loves the least, controls the relationship"? It feels like you love him so much that if he said "You have to jump off of this bridge or I am leaving" you'd jump. But heaven-forbid if you make a demand because he would leave in a heartbeat. That is not a fun place to be in a relationship. All it takes is one slip-up and you are in survival mode. Which sounds like exactly what has happened.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It seems like he reacts, you leap into action. Have you ever heard the old saying "The person that loves the least, controls the relationship"? It feels like you love him so much that if he said "You have to jump off of this bridge or I am leaving" you'd jump. But heaven-forbid if you make a demand because he would leave in a heartbeat. That is not a fun place to be in a relationship. All it takes is one slip-up and you are in survival mode. Which sounds like exactly what has happened.
I wouldn't jump off a bridge.
It's just his reasons are vaild... he gave me another chance before and yet somehow I just blew it. Not intentionally. I made him feel bad .. and this is a man I am very much attracted to.
. You sound like such a nice, accommodating, and receptive person. I'm sure you would have been willing to work with your husband to find solutions if he came to you and said he's unhappy.
Its nice for you to say that but my H would say I don't listen and that he has felt bullied by me at times. He just gives in and goes with the flow because its easier??? I have been controlling and he felt like a prisoner. i think he got a taste of what it would be like to be free and socialize more easily. Reconnecting with old friends is fun and is a good time but it doesn't last forever.
Up until BD I could account for my H at all times - not to the minute but we communicated and he honestly didn't have the time with his schedule.
Maybe now??? Maybe these high school friends he is reconnecting with may also be going or having gone through D and he is getting close with someone.
I know he has had heart to heart conversations with 2 male friends but I suppose a female friend is one to be lending a more caring ear.
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If you recall my situation my husband left twice. Both times he blamed me for being a bad wife, said he doesn't love me, he's not happy, etc.. There was no effort from his side to make it work. He has always denied cheating and always will, but both times I found out on my own that it was all due to another woman. He simply met another woman and wanted to be with her. I guess it's not acceptable to admit that he's a cheater so he had to blame me for everything. He said so many things like he needs his freedom, felt trapped by marriage, wants to live his own life, etc.. but within weeks (or less) of leaving me he was already living with another woman and committed to someone else.
So why he does point to my pulling away and leaving him going to bed angry he has admitted to some of his issues as well --- online gaming, etc. So he points out where he could have been better too.
I just feel tremendous pain and responsibility because what he is complaining about is real.
It doen't help that the sex had dwindled. Its hard when you work opposite shifts... his drive is on in the morning after getting off work and mine is in the evening. It had dried up in the last 3 months. He did even say he wasn't getting his needs met so I would plan a date night - something fun where we could end up in the sack and then he fell asleep on the way home... :-(
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Are there ways you can check to see what your husband is really up to? Not that you need to know, but if he's lying to you it'd be nice to know the truth.
There is not. But if he truly wants gone and out of this relationship he knows a PA is the way to go. I won't come back from that. If he wants a D and just to move on with his life he knows this is my deal breaker. He has said he is not ... but he has also said when he moves out and things are filed there will be plenty of lady friends at his home. He will not live the life of a hermit.
I agreed 2yr ago that I would move when S18 was out of school... I think he felt I would never leave and that along with this, that and the other he broke...
I'd give anything to go back and not send that text that seemed to upset him -- it was a joke but it did not come across that way to him... SERIOUSLY I was planning on giving him my undivided attention all morning when he got off work. As he was leaving the night before he said he was stopping at his moms to visit with the nephews they had school fund raisers and he was going to get a haircut. I texted him "this is the second morning I've had free and you are spending with you mother again"... he took that to believe I wasn't at his mom's house. He texted back and I fell asleep... the next text was him telling me how p!ssed off he was by that text... GAME OVER
Last edited by job; 02/20/2011:52 PM. Reason: edited language
I knew H wouldn't be home in the morning as typical - he told me so. But, he never came home. It was like Sunday all over again.
So come 6pm I just open a bottle of wine and text/chat with friends after calling my mother.
Then at 7:15pm I hear his truck in the driveway... CRAP! Closing out internet browser... throwing DR into a drawer.. stashing the extra glass of wine... yes I had 2 separate glasses out. Then try to be casual in the sunroom. Only to remember I left my DR homework notes on the table... I gather those but he can see I'm garbing something.
His first words are "so you are drinking wine?" Obviously 1/2 empty bottle on counter.
I'm trying to kind but this is probably so needy that someone should call the police and report me.
Me; Did you get some sleep today H: Yes a couple of hr in the truck... Me: Wow, it was chilly for that H: Yes, but I was sitting in the sun and it got pretty warm.
H: I'm working this weekend. Not sure if 8 or 12hr. Sunday is in the air. Me: ok H: Did you go to the store? Me: Only got milk, did you need anything? H: X, Y, Z
H went to take shower. Once done he got his coffee and stated he was leaving. I said have a nice night from another room..
10min later he is back. Goes to bedroom and I can hear velcro. After 2min he goes through the kitchen without a word. I'm in another room during this whole time. Once he is gone I confirm he has taken his oral appliance so he plans on sleeping somewhere. From what I could see he did not pack a bag.
So he literally drove 2hr to take a shower.
He is complaining about being sleep deprived and this terrible commute... yet he drove 2hr for a shower.
I know he was supposed to be seeing homes today but that doesn't take 14hr. He was also supposed to pick up paperwork from atty??? He mentioned that yet he brought no paperwork in with him... for a man in a hurry to file?? Now I could have misunderstood as he is without much sleep - maybe they are sending it to us??? I'm certain though he was supposed to pick up.
He was wearing crappy work clothes... holey jeans, t-shrit and sweatshirt. They smell like work clothes and the only fragrance I get is from the arm pits - his deodorant. I found a receipt for breakfast for 2. Could have been his dad... its where they like to eat but really who knows.
If he is having A... he isn't dressing very nice AND why not shower there????
So I know better than this but on FB H posted a meme.
Never judge your own self worth based on someone else's inability to see it, Ever!
Then he typed "Practiced'
I love this man. I am in awe of this man! He has brought so many good things into my life.. I have left him feeling unappreciated and belittled for an long time.
On doing LRT.as best as possible. When he is not here I've been fantastic about not calling or texting. When he is here I'm trying to act as if... I think I initiate the contact which I shouldn't but I want him to feel that its pleasant here and create more positive experiences.
The man feels I haven't properly kissed him in 2 years... and he may have a point.
How does one take time away from that... and start to.miss what he with me enough to never want it back?
I am going.back to.work today. Its going.to be a very trying day.
I've been following your thread for a while. It looks like you've been through a roller coaster ride of emotions these past few days. I know how that feels like.
When you feel distressed, what are the things you can do to calm yourself? I personally think you tend to get too caught up with H's actions. He's being passive aggressive and you are taking the bait. It's not healthy. Try to distance yourself from that and give love and care to yourself. You need to be in a good mental state first before anything else.
Self love first KC. Self love first.
M: 28 W: 30 T: 2 years Married: Nov 2019 BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
I feel you. My H does something similar....he comes back to get some clothes, claims he’s showing up to see the kids but barely talks to them, and leaves. I don’t know why he doesn’t just move all his stuff to his new place and save himself the trouble. I also thought about that too...what woman in her right mind would want to be with a man like H now?? Then I think- there are lots of women who are not right in the head.
It seems like he reacts, you leap into action. Have you ever heard the old saying "The person that loves the least, controls the relationship"? It feels like you love him so much that if he said "You have to jump off of this bridge or I am leaving" you'd jump. But heaven-forbid if you make a demand because he would leave in a heartbeat. That is not a fun place to be in a relationship. All it takes is one slip-up and you are in survival mode. Which sounds like exactly what has happened.
I wouldn't jump off a bridge.
It's just his reasons are vaild... he gave me another chance before and yet somehow I just blew it. Not intentionally. I made him feel bad .. and this is a man I am very much attracted to.
Yes you've made it abundantly clear that he has valid reasons, and that you are a terrible person. KC, what job and I have tried to get you to see is that none of that matters. At all. The past is the past. You can't fix it by becoming super wife. You can't nice him back. You can't do the things that keep a marriage happy to fix a broken marriage
Back before I met my W, I was completely in love with this girl that I knew almost my whole life. We will call her Keri to protect the innocent and the guilty. I "went with" Keri in 6th and 7th grade. Then we drifted apart. In high school we become friends, but I was in love with her the whole time. She considered me her best friend. After high school I still secretly pined for her while I watched losers come in and out of her life. Always wondering what she saw in them. I was in college, gainfully employed, bright prospects. She was dating losers that were in bands, had drug habits, etc. Into young adulthood I had finally told her how I felt. She started totally doing the pursuit distance dynamic with me. If I moved towards her she retreated, when I backed off she'd start contacting me. This continued with he giving me just enough hope to not give anyone else a chance, but never enough to actually be with me romantically. I finally had enough, and started to move on.
I then met my now wife. For the first few months it was very similar to the dynamic with Keri. She saw me as a good friend, I was completely enamored with her. Finally after a few months she "fell" for me. But after marriage many of the issues that were there in the first few months of us knowing each other were back. She just didn't seem that into me. And I didn't help matters with a decent case of NGS, and other bad behaviors.
You see, for some reason the number one thing I was attracted to was a girl that wasn't into me that way. If a girl, no matter how good looking and sweet was into me it was the kiss of death for her. There must have been 25-30 girls from the time I was gaga over Keri, until I married my wife that thought the sun rose and set for me. One in particular even came sniffing back around when I was dating my wife. Too be honest with you I should have been with her. Because now that I am older and wise I know a simple truth:
All those years I wanted to find someone I was crazy about, when in reality I should have been looking for someone that was crazy about me!
If I could go back I would do things so much more different because of that simple truth.
You deserve someone that is crazy about you. That you can be yourself with and around and not have to walk on eggshells, wondering what the next thing you do or say will be that makes him BD you. If your H becomes that man, great. If not, what we are telling you is that you deserve better. You deserve more. Whether you think you do or not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
