M41 W41 BD July ‘19 M 4yrs T 10 yrs Kids 2 DDs 3 & 7yrs
So July last year I was hit with the bomb. At first it was “I’m not feeling good about us after all the arguing recently” and “I think we need a break for a bit” then as the anger crept in it was “we’re done for good” and “you’re not entirely to blame but it’s not going to work.” Of course I was in total shock and denial. I wouldn’t say I begged but I tried to reason with her and I was very emotional, cried and moped around a fair bit which made her more angry. Then her reason changed to an incident two years back when I cheated. It was a one night thing which I am not proud of and we both had to get STI tested which added to the pain of it all. I honestly thought we got through that as we were very close as always, spent all of our time together and were talking about the future together. I fully accept this will be one of the things that contributed to her decision, but just found it strange it wasn’t mentioned initially.
A month before DB, W went away for the weekend with work. W didn’t call all weekend which is not like her at all, but did communicate a lot on IM. We had a few fights after she returned and I asked her if anything happened while she was away as it’s not like her to not call and this really upset her. W later said it was when she was away that she realised she was happier without me.
I don’t believe we had a bad marriage at all. People would often comment on how we were the perfect couple. Sure we had our struggles and the odd disagreement, but I never thought it would ever come to this. W has been struggling with depression and anxiety but has never got any help for it. It did get worse after our youngest D3 was born. I was always the one to support her through the dark times with this but now I am the one to blame.
I moved in with a friend for the first three months of our separation but I’d still spend lots of time at our house with her and kids. We had dinner together, went on some family days out etc. and she began warming up to me around two months in. Lots of hugs and kisses and even slept together a few times. W kept saying her head was all over the place (confused) and I could tell she was really emotional but the anger had gone, at least for now. One night she was saying things like “if we do get back together it’ll have to be gradual” and “some couples have been through worse and come back stronger.” W then asked me if I’d be happy to see how it goes between us but live apart, to which I was very keen as I thought I’d just stay at my friends place a while longer while we sort things out. But, she asked me to get my own place so I could have the kids over so she could have her “freedom” and a break from the kids. I asked what “see how it goes” meant but W remained very vague but I remained hopeful.
It turns out she met OM a week later and didn’t see a problem with this as we “weren’t together” but of course I was devastated and then I knew what “seeing how it goes” meant. I totally backed off and thought that’s where I draw the line and kept communications just about kids and business. Got my own place a month after that and have the kids stay over 2 to 3 nights and see them on other days too.
We started talking more and more before Christmas as we agreed to sort out kids presents between us and spend Christmas Day at her (our) house for the kids. This is when I realised that I still love my W and would do anything for us to be a family again.
So seven months in this is where we are.
W’s emotions seem to have settled down a lot but still get the odd day when she gets angry and blames me for everything. This is usually when something is going wrong, such as the kids being ill and her having to deal with it on her own, or something else where I would’ve been there to take care of if we were still together. These bouts of anger are getting fewer and further between and W has even started to apologise for the hurtful things she's said and seems to have more respect for me.
W has said from the beginning of S that she wants us to get along, which makes sense as we need to be good co-parents. Communication has improved between us the past few months. We mostly communicate via whatsapp (IM) as we send daily pics of the kids and often have a chat on the back of that. It’s gone from just talking about kids, pickup times etc. to what’s going on in her life with work and study etc. and we often have a laugh and a joke about silly stuff we used to laugh at together, inside jokes etc. One of my personal improvements is communication so I’ve been reading up on emotional connection and communication skills. Feels as though W is warming and opening up more frequently and we can be a bit more familiar with each other. (baby steps?).
We see each other several times per week for the kids pickups and drops. Usually friendly with a bit of small talk. Sometimes W seems very enthusiastic to talk and often initiates conversation and almost seems happy to see me. Other times it’s just business type talk but the awkwardness that was there previously is fading and it often seems like I’m talking to the person I know rather than the stranger she became for several months. I do often feel anxious before speaking to her but it’s getting easier. Only physical contact is the odd hug when she seems upset about something and I initiate those, but don’t overdo it and doesn’t seem awkward.
W is still seeing OM. I was hoping it wasn’t serious , just a rebound sort of thing. He’s 27 with no kids and lives with his parents (W is 41). From what I know she sees him once a week and hasn’t introduced him to her friends or our kids yet… but she is planning to meet his family this weekend as been invited by OM to join them for a birthday celebration. Not sure if W meeting OM family means anything but I certainly felt upset about it. W sensed I was upset on phone and I did tell her it was because I still have strong feelings for her and it hurts when I think of her with an OM. W said she wasn’t sure how I felt and didn’t know if I had been dating (I don’t tell W anything about me unless she asks which isn’t very often). Anyway that night W messaged asking me if I was alright and that she feels bad for hurting me etc. W said some nice things like how I was a brilliant husband before it went wrong and how much our family meant to her, but she feels like we could never get back to how things were. She also said just because she has “moved on” she is still struggling with our marriage breakdown etc. I said as I’ve always done that I believe we could be better together but validated her feelings and viewpoint.
We don’t discuss our M very often only when W brings it up. This is the first time in around 5 months that she has shown that she cares about my feelings. I understand that guilt may be playing a big part here though, but feel it as a positive step? Maybe I’m just reading too much into things.
I’ve not read DB or DR yest but may start with DR?
I’ve been following advice from other resources which are similar to what I’ve seen on these forums. I need to focus on detachment. Goal setting sounds really helpful as I’m struggling with motivation to GAL most days… that being said I’m in the best shape of my life and going to hit the gym later. I’ve stopped smoking this week and going to get out tonight so today is going to be a good day!
I swing from days when I have positive interactions with W and feel hopeful but other days when I think of her with OM (I try not to) and all the hurtful things she has said and done and feel angry and hopeless with the sitch, but I guess this is normal.
Any questions, advice or input is welcome. Thanks, Chum
