M41 W41 BD July ‘19 M 4yrs T 10 yrs Kids 2 DDs 3 & 7yrs
So July last year I was hit with the bomb. At first it was “I’m not feeling good about us after all the arguing recently” and “I think we need a break for a bit” then as the anger crept in it was “we’re done for good” and “you’re not entirely to blame but it’s not going to work.” Of course I was in total shock and denial. I wouldn’t say I begged but I tried to reason with her and I was very emotional, cried and moped around a fair bit which made her more angry. Then her reason changed to an incident two years back when I cheated. It was a one night thing which I am not proud of and we both had to get STI tested which added to the pain of it all. I honestly thought we got through that as we were very close as always, spent all of our time together and were talking about the future together. I fully accept this will be one of the things that contributed to her decision, but just found it strange it wasn’t mentioned initially.
A month before DB, W went away for the weekend with work. W didn’t call all weekend which is not like her at all, but did communicate a lot on IM. We had a few fights after she returned and I asked her if anything happened while she was away as it’s not like her to not call and this really upset her. W later said it was when she was away that she realised she was happier without me.
I don’t believe we had a bad marriage at all. People would often comment on how we were the perfect couple. Sure we had our struggles and the odd disagreement, but I never thought it would ever come to this. W has been struggling with depression and anxiety but has never got any help for it. It did get worse after our youngest D3 was born. I was always the one to support her through the dark times with this but now I am the one to blame.
I moved in with a friend for the first three months of our separation but I’d still spend lots of time at our house with her and kids. We had dinner together, went on some family days out etc. and she began warming up to me around two months in. Lots of hugs and kisses and even slept together a few times. W kept saying her head was all over the place (confused) and I could tell she was really emotional but the anger had gone, at least for now. One night she was saying things like “if we do get back together it’ll have to be gradual” and “some couples have been through worse and come back stronger.” W then asked me if I’d be happy to see how it goes between us but live apart, to which I was very keen as I thought I’d just stay at my friends place a while longer while we sort things out. But, she asked me to get my own place so I could have the kids over so she could have her “freedom” and a break from the kids. I asked what “see how it goes” meant but W remained very vague but I remained hopeful.
It turns out she met OM a week later and didn’t see a problem with this as we “weren’t together” but of course I was devastated and then I knew what “seeing how it goes” meant. I totally backed off and thought that’s where I draw the line and kept communications just about kids and business. Got my own place a month after that and have the kids stay over 2 to 3 nights and see them on other days too.
We started talking more and more before Christmas as we agreed to sort out kids presents between us and spend Christmas Day at her (our) house for the kids. This is when I realised that I still love my W and would do anything for us to be a family again.
So seven months in this is where we are.
W’s emotions seem to have settled down a lot but still get the odd day when she gets angry and blames me for everything. This is usually when something is going wrong, such as the kids being ill and her having to deal with it on her own, or something else where I would’ve been there to take care of if we were still together. These bouts of anger are getting fewer and further between and W has even started to apologise for the hurtful things she's said and seems to have more respect for me.
W has said from the beginning of S that she wants us to get along, which makes sense as we need to be good co-parents. Communication has improved between us the past few months. We mostly communicate via whatsapp (IM) as we send daily pics of the kids and often have a chat on the back of that. It’s gone from just talking about kids, pickup times etc. to what’s going on in her life with work and study etc. and we often have a laugh and a joke about silly stuff we used to laugh at together, inside jokes etc. One of my personal improvements is communication so I’ve been reading up on emotional connection and communication skills. Feels as though W is warming and opening up more frequently and we can be a bit more familiar with each other. (baby steps?).
We see each other several times per week for the kids pickups and drops. Usually friendly with a bit of small talk. Sometimes W seems very enthusiastic to talk and often initiates conversation and almost seems happy to see me. Other times it’s just business type talk but the awkwardness that was there previously is fading and it often seems like I’m talking to the person I know rather than the stranger she became for several months. I do often feel anxious before speaking to her but it’s getting easier. Only physical contact is the odd hug when she seems upset about something and I initiate those, but don’t overdo it and doesn’t seem awkward.
W is still seeing OM. I was hoping it wasn’t serious , just a rebound sort of thing. He’s 27 with no kids and lives with his parents (W is 41). From what I know she sees him once a week and hasn’t introduced him to her friends or our kids yet… but she is planning to meet his family this weekend as been invited by OM to join them for a birthday celebration. Not sure if W meeting OM family means anything but I certainly felt upset about it. W sensed I was upset on phone and I did tell her it was because I still have strong feelings for her and it hurts when I think of her with an OM. W said she wasn’t sure how I felt and didn’t know if I had been dating (I don’t tell W anything about me unless she asks which isn’t very often). Anyway that night W messaged asking me if I was alright and that she feels bad for hurting me etc. W said some nice things like how I was a brilliant husband before it went wrong and how much our family meant to her, but she feels like we could never get back to how things were. She also said just because she has “moved on” she is still struggling with our marriage breakdown etc. I said as I’ve always done that I believe we could be better together but validated her feelings and viewpoint.
We don’t discuss our M very often only when W brings it up. This is the first time in around 5 months that she has shown that she cares about my feelings. I understand that guilt may be playing a big part here though, but feel it as a positive step? Maybe I’m just reading too much into things.
I’ve not read DB or DR yest but may start with DR?
I’ve been following advice from other resources which are similar to what I’ve seen on these forums. I need to focus on detachment. Goal setting sounds really helpful as I’m struggling with motivation to GAL most days… that being said I’m in the best shape of my life and going to hit the gym later. I’ve stopped smoking this week and going to get out tonight so today is going to be a good day!
I swing from days when I have positive interactions with W and feel hopeful but other days when I think of her with OM (I try not to) and all the hurtful things she has said and done and feel angry and hopeless with the sitch, but I guess this is normal.
Any questions, advice or input is welcome. Thanks, Chum
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks for your reply, Cadet. I'l post whenever I can as I feel this is a safe place to express feelings without being judged and hopefully get some advice and encouragement. I also would like to help others too where I can as I feel I've learned so much over the past seven months.
Some really good useful and inspiring resources there. I will read the DR book and continue to read up and post on here.
If there's even just a small glimmer of hope in my situation I am willing to put in the work. If things don't turn out I'd like to think I had left no stone unturned and worst case scenario I will come out of it a better man.
Hi Chum, welcome and sorry you are here. I have to say your sitch is unique related to your infidelity. Did you guys do any IC or MC in the aftermath? Infidelity is very difficult to overcome, my guess is a lot of this is residual from the cheating.
Can you elaborate a little more on how you dealt that that?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You have been doing the right thing by giving her the space she needs to figure things out. I like the fact that you are not discussing the relationship/marriage w/her and allowing her to bring it up. As you can see, the less pressure you put on her, the more she settles down and communicates better with you.
She's feeling some guilt and possibly shame for what she's doing, but I suspect that something transpired on her trip that sent her into a tailspin. Maybe she works with the OM or met him while away and he stroked her ego just enough to have her question herself and her life. Whatever transpired, she's searching for that illusive happiness that she thinks that is out there...but it's not...happiness comes from within.
Continue giving her the space. Try to keep your conversations casual and on topics such as your children. For now, treat her as you would a friend. Keep the focus on you and your children and one last thing...dig deeper for patience. This is now a marathon, not a sprint.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Start with reading DR. It's the updated version of DB. Read about the Stop Sign technique in there, it will help you when you swing to the negative thoughts and think about your W and OM.
DB basics:
1. 180s 2. Detach - what she says and does doesn't affect you 3. GAL
I noticed you mentioned she "still" blames you. I think that is normal. My W still blames me and we are almost 2 years into this. Just be leader in this area. Learn to listen and validate instead of argue here.
This OM is a loser clearly. What do you do? I'd suggest being a great earner, dressing well, being mature and well spoken. You know, everything that a 27 year old basement dweller isn't. The OM in my sitch lived at mommy and daddy's and worked part time. I just worked harder and started earning more money and that helped me along. How do you know that she is going to meet OM's family?
I think you made a mistake moving out, financially and relationship wise. I don't know what the rules are here but I wouldn't want to be living in a rental while my W was out getting cozy with some 27 year old basement dweller and his family. I'd be willing to bet something happened on that trip. I imagine she has been bringing the OM along while she prepared to break the news to you - that's how this works usually.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Chum, I really wish more men found their way here BEFORE they get browbeat into moving out, because moving out is such a weak move and makes your W lose even more respect for you. If a WAS wants out so bad then THEY should be the one to leave, not the LBS. So now your W is living it up in your home and is probably entertaining OM there as well. In fact if he's some deadbeat living with his parents then you can rest assured he's in your house every opportunity he gets. There have even been cases here where the WAS even moved the OM into the family home. But it's done and it sounds like you've already moved into a separate place. Very unfortunate but it is what it is.
Originally Posted by Chum
Then her reason changed to an incident two years back when I cheated. It was a one night thing which I am not proud of and we both had to get STI tested which added to the pain of it all. I honestly thought we got through that as we were very close as always, spent all of our time together and were talking about the future together. I fully accept this will be one of the things that contributed to her decision, but just found it strange it wasn’t mentioned initially.
Hard to say, she could be using it as an excuse to justify her actions, or she really could have been harboring resentment over it all this time. It's not at all unusual for a WAS to start checking out a year or two before the actual BD. So she may have never gotten past that. It is really hard to get trust back after cheating has happened.
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One night she was saying things like “if we do get back together it’ll have to be gradual” and “some couples have been through worse and come back stronger.” W then asked me if I’d be happy to see how it goes between us but live apart, to which I was very keen as I thought I’d just stay at my friends place a while longer while we sort things out. But, she asked me to get my own place so I could have the kids over so she could have her “freedom” and a break from the kids. I asked what “see how it goes” meant but W remained very vague but I remained hopeful.
She completely manipulated you. Her goal was to set up a safe place to have a fling with OM. The rest of it was just window dressing to sell the idea to you.
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It turns out she met OM a week later
My money says it was a month or two earlier. She's probably been engineering this for longer than you think.
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W’s emotions seem to have settled down a lot but still get the odd day when she gets angry and blames me for everything. This is usually when something is going wrong, such as the kids being ill and her having to deal with it on her own, or something else where I would’ve been there to take care of if we were still together. These bouts of anger are getting fewer and further between and W has even started to apologise for the hurtful things she's said and seems to have more respect for me.
That's good, doesn't mean she's interested in recon, that'll be well down the road. But first you've got to pave the way back with baby steps like this.
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Not sure if W meeting OM family means anything but I certainly felt upset about it. W sensed I was upset on phone and I did tell her it was because I still have strong feelings for her and it hurts when I think of her with an OM.
So you openly chat with W about her boyfriend? Don't do that. Don't have chummy chats with her at all. She fired you as husband, now she wants to hire you on as best friend while she has an affair. Don't do it, it's cake-eating. Convos should be brief and to the point, and businesslike. Someone here used to say "boys and bills".
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We don’t discuss our M very often only when W brings it up. This is the first time in around 5 months that she has shown that she cares about my feelings. I understand that guilt may be playing a big part here though, but feel it as a positive step? Maybe I’m just reading too much into things.
Yes she feels sorry for poor, pitiful you. You are just a sad little shell of a man that has lost the awesomeness that is her. Time to find your testicles again, start by looking in her purse ;-) Man up. Get out. GAL. She asks about your dating life? "No comment". She asks if you're OK in a little pity-filled baby voice? "I'm doing fantastic, was there something you needed because I've got to run shortly."
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I’ve not read DB or DR yest but may start with DR?
Yes DR is like an updated version of DB. You don't need to read both.
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I need to focus on detachment. Goal setting sounds really helpful as I’m struggling with motivation to GAL most days… that being said I’m in the best shape of my life and going to hit the gym later. I’ve stopped smoking this week and going to get out tonight so today is going to be a good day!
Hi Chum, welcome and sorry you are here. I have to say your sitch is unique related to your infidelity. Did you guys do any IC or MC in the aftermath? Infidelity is very difficult to overcome, my guess is a lot of this is residual from the cheating.
Can you elaborate a little more on how you dealt that that?
Hi Steve, Thanks for your reply.
Yeah I know what I did plays a huge part in my sitch and if it wasn't for that I think we would still be together.
The problem is it was pretty much swept under the rug. No IC or MC. W only took a couple of weeks before telling me she forgives me and trusts it was a one time mistake. We pretty much resumed our 'normal' M but I think bottled up resentment from my wrong doing was the driving force. FIL sadly passed away later that year so it was a really hard time for her.
You have been doing the right thing by giving her the space she needs to figure things out. I like the fact that you are not discussing the relationship/marriage w/her and allowing her to bring it up. As you can see, the less pressure you put on her, the more she settles down and communicates better with you.
She's feeling some guilt and possibly shame for what she's doing, but I suspect that something transpired on her trip that sent her into a tailspin. Maybe she works with the OM or met him while away and he stroked her ego just enough to have her question herself and her life. Whatever transpired, she's searching for that illusive happiness that she thinks that is out there...but it's not...happiness comes from within.
Continue giving her the space. Try to keep your conversations casual and on topics such as your children. For now, treat her as you would a friend. Keep the focus on you and your children and one last thing...dig deeper for patience. This is now a marathon, not a sprint.
Thanks job,
Yeah I've pretty much had to give her the space and she has certainly settled down a lot. W does seem to be back to her usual self lately and we can talk without it feeling awkward. Conversation is usually about kids, her work and surface level stuff like TV shows etc. I'm always upbeat and positive and take an interest in what she wants to discuss, but don't overdo it.
W went away with her boss who is a divorced lady who has always been manipulative with W and treated her badly over the years... but now they're best buddies! There was mention of someone flirting with W on trip and she says that's all it was. Maybe this triggered the grass is greener mindset. FWIW W also became really close to a friend of hers who had just ended her R with her fiance and they have two kids also.
I'm 99% sure she met OM on a night out during our false reconciliation. She was going out partying a lot at the time. The morning of the night in question W was very warm and physical with me, saying she'd let me know when she'd be back and possibly have a drink together and we made plans to take kids out together the next day. She didn't message or anything which she'd never done before, just turned up late and her anger was back in full force. The following day she made sure me and the kids were out of the house all day and was being really strange about me letting her know when we were heading home etc. I'm pretty sure she had OM over that day and that's were it started. W is an awful liar and I can see straight through her.
Yes, patience and detachment! whatever the outcome it's going to be a long journey.
Hi Chum, welcome and sorry you are here. I have to say your sitch is unique related to your infidelity. Did you guys do any IC or MC in the aftermath? Infidelity is very difficult to overcome, my guess is a lot of this is residual from the cheating.
Can you elaborate a little more on how you dealt that that?
Hi Steve, Thanks for your reply.
Yeah I know what I did plays a huge part in my sitch and if it wasn't for that I think we would still be together.
The problem is it was pretty much swept under the rug. No IC or MC. W only took a couple of weeks before telling me she forgives me and trusts it was a one time mistake. We pretty much resumed our 'normal' M but I think bottled up resentment from my wrong doing was the driving force. FIL sadly passed away later that year so it was a really hard time for her.
Not dealing properly s with things like this set you up for a BD later. I was afraid you were going to say it was swept away like it never happened.
The good news is that it changes what you should be doing not one bit. GAL. 180s. And detachment are your best path forward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
