KitKat! I'm so deeply sorry to read your updates. You supported me a lot last year and I haven't been back here as often recently but I just read through your thread and have to respond. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It seems like the rug was ripped from right under your feet. It was so great that you were able to save your marriage previously but it seems like your husband is prone to doing this. It's so awful what you're going through. You are brave to be facing your husband head-on in his state of rage.
KitKat I have a question. Forgive me if didn't spot the answer. Why do you think your husband is doing this now? What triggered it? I read that you rejected his advances and he felt hurt and he's tired of commuting all that, but why this sudden need to get divorced quickly and buy a new house closer to work? My suspicion based on having been through this is there's another woman that your husband would like to pursue. He may or may not have started something but if he hasn't, he probably wants to do so as soon as possible. Your lack of affection, other supposed faults, and his long commute create a convincing and compelling case for him to divorce you and move out. By blaming you and his commute he gets to leave the marriage free of shame, perhaps even with sympathy from those around him, since you are the bad guy and he's the victim. I'm sure you do have faults and his commute isn't that fun, but there are probably 200 solutions to these problems that'd allow the marriage to continue. Counseling, changing jobs, moving closer to his work together (both of you), taking an early retirement, making a five-year plan, buying a small apartment closer to work where he can sleep on some nights and come home on other nights, etc.... You sound like such a nice, accommodating, and receptive person. I'm sure you would have been willing to work with your husband to find solutions if he came to you and said he's unhappy. Or he could tell you he's unhappy and the two of you agree to try for a while to fix the problems, even if you've had them in the past, but you could try even harder. And if that doesn't work you could go to counseling. And if that doesn't work you could do a trial separation. And then, if nothing else in the entire universe works you could consider divorce. Your husband has a voice so he could have spoken up at any time instead of suffering in silence. Everyone is capable of communicating and learning problem solving skills and brainstorming ideas. All it takes is a willingness to try. Instead your husband ambushed you with a sudden and urgent divorce and he needs to buy his own house immediately. This is not rational!! Especially the way that he's trying to make you suffer. He likely wants you to suffer so that he doesn't need to feel guilty for what he's doing, which he knows is wrong.
If you recall my situation my husband left twice. Both times he blamed me for being a bad wife, said he doesn't love me, he's not happy, etc.. There was no effort from his side to make it work. He has always denied cheating and always will, but both times I found out on my own that it was all due to another woman. He simply met another woman and wanted to be with her. I guess it's not acceptable to admit that he's a cheater so he had to blame me for everything. He said so many things like he needs his freedom, felt trapped by marriage, wants to live his own life, etc.. but within weeks (or less) of leaving me he was already living with another woman and committed to someone else.
Are there ways you can check to see what your husband is really up to? Not that you need to know, but if he's lying to you it'd be nice to know the truth.
Your husband can have his divorce and move closer to work and if he's cheating he can have his fun with the other woman but it might not all work out for him. The other woman might dump him, he might realize he misses you, he might not like living on one income, he might wake up one day and realize what he's done. Then he'll be back begging to try again. The problem is that he isn't stable or mature. It's a really tough call deciding whether you'd like to leave the door open to reconciling with someone like that.
I'd personally find it very difficult to live with someone who is actively planning a divorce and toxic to be around. You know yourself and your situation best but if I were in your shoes I'd probably find another place to stay. I'm so deeply sorry again. I wish no one would ever have to go through this.
