Learning how to stand, hope, & keep moving

[cardinal]

It's been a few days, so I have a feeling this will be another long post. Maybe I'll divide it into two. DnJ, I have a big piece of the cake I didn't manage to finish in the freezer (more of a hunk than a piece, really); I wish I could send it to you! First, where I left off: feeling so low all weekend, and how that changed.

For what good are beliefs if they cannot handle a challenge; you want strong beliefs. You will challenge them, even if you don’t see yourself doing it. In that view the term setback seems mislabelled doesn’t it?

This is progress, even though it doesn’t feel like it. Remember counterintuitive.

I really needed to hear this: It was the first step in reframing how I felt, and it's now a reminder for me to revisit this on other hard days. It was some relief, DnJ, that the horrible feeling could actually be in part a way of testing my beliefs, could be progress, even though it definitely didn't feel like it. I had to stop crying and re-focus for an interview Sunday afternoon (for a remote very part-time gig, but it would bring in a bit of extra cash). I did that, got groceries, came home to H in his room. I decided it would make me feel better to mow, so I did that. (Okay, H might've been preparing for a nap, but I'd already decided to mow, and he can sleep through anything. ) I started weeding, preparing some areas of the garden I planted last year for the return of flowers. I was outside working for maybe an hour or a little more. That whole time thoughts and feelings came and went like dandelion fluff drifting by. It was like meditating for me, May. I was an an observer, part conscious, part unconscious, while I focused on pulling up weeds.

You feel broken again, right?

Ripped open? Exposed? Vulnerable? Hurt?

Yes. First, lots of angry, sad, jealous stuff, the kind of things I'd been feeling all weekend came out. At some point I noticed those feelings and thoughts were being replaced with kinder ones. Thoughts and feelings of acceptance, wanting to forgive, wanting H to be happy, wanting to let go as H does whatever he thinks he needs to do. I moved around the yard, keeping my focus first on weeding. Gradually I felt much calmer. It was like I'd also been weeding the negative thoughts and feelings from my own mind and body without intending to. By the time I was ready to go back inside, I felt almost light again. I noticed that feeling (belief) of Friday morning return—this is not the end of you two, it will work out somehow—come back. I hadn't expected it to return for a while, since I'd felt so bad. I was so surprised to feel it surface again.

I wrote all of this down in more detail and I'm writing it here too, because it feels like it will be helpful for me to re-read in the future and hopefully helpful for others too. Earlier in the day, I could not have imagined feeling better again that night. Counterintuitive. I know there will be more days where I feel so, so low and have a hard time finding hope—it's just not a straight line, this journey. I needed a bit of physical and mental distraction in order to let my mind rest and work through things. In the end, it really was like I was challenging my beliefs and didn't realize that's what was happening. I can see myself going through cycles of this—I don't think all of those negative thoughts and feelings are gone for good yet, but now I know they can be replaced. I know they aren't beliefs.

I think I'll be spending a lot of time doing yard work this spring...