Trying to understand the WAS mind is a fool's game. Most of what he does and says probably doesn't even make sense to him. As I said, right now everything he is saying and doing is for effect, has an agenda behind it, and can't be trusted.
So don't do anything rash based on his crazy. Putting a sign in front of the house in crayon simply because of something he says, even if it is what you want to hear. When he brings up selling the house simply state: "You need to do what you feel you need to do. I'll worry about selling the house and getting something smaller after all of the dust settles." Don't get caught up into his crazy and think everything has to be done now!
You keep mentioning this commute. I have a long commute but I am not a baby about it. How long is it?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
To double down on what AS said. You really should flip this script and decide you DON'T want him back right now. More than let him go, jettison him. Become overly helpful and supportive in his house search etc. As I said, right now he is broken, and that is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility to fix.
Further, on the "see how things play out later", make sure you have a good picture for what that looks like. In other words, make him earn his way back. If you don't give him conditions for return (IC, MC, etc) then if he does come back easily you are likely setting yourself up for another future BD.
To triple down on what Steve said.
While he is gone, you should work up your list of non-negotiable. When he comes beggin you to take him back, you should be very leary and one of your first conditions BEFORE AGREEING is having him come up with his own list. If it doesn't match yours, tell him "It will take more than that." and have him work on the list some more.
Your sitch is little different in the fact that this is his second marriage. No need to answer these questions, but who initiated his first D, why, did he take any accountability in his role, did he learn anything?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
To double down on what AS said. You really should flip this script and decide you DON'T want him back right now. More than let him go, jettison him. Become overly helpful and supportive in his house search etc. As I said, right now he is broken, and that is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility to fix.
Further, on the "see how things play out later", make sure you have a good picture for what that looks like. In other words, make him earn his way back. If you don't give him conditions for return (IC, MC, etc) then if he does come back easily you are likely setting yourself up for another future BD.
To triple down on what Steve said.
While he is gone, you should work up your list of non-negotiable. When he comes beggin you to take him back, you should be very leary and one of your first conditions BEFORE AGREEING is having him come up with his own list. If it doesn't match yours, tell him "It will take more than that." and have him work on the list some more.
Your sitch is little different in the fact that this is his second marriage. No need to answer these questions, but who initiated his first D, why, did he take any accountability in his role, did he learn anything?
He had been unhappy for years. Had PA and EA. Had kids and couldn't imagine being a part time dad. I believe it was his XW that found an apt for him to move too and she kept tight control on his time with kids. His complaints were that she was a stay at home mom who slept 18hr a day. He was the sole provider working alot to come home to find his toddler playing in the street and his mom in bed. She couldn't keep a clean house... still cant and spent the 10yr I knew him/her continued to play games filing restraining orders, keep him from his kids for months at a time.
I know he did some counseling on his own and with the kids several years ago.
I was always told how much better I was and how much better our life was.
To double down on what AS said. You really should flip this script and decide you DON'T want him back right now. More than let him go, jettison him. Become overly helpful and supportive in his house search etc. As I said, right now he is broken, and that is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility to fix.
Further, on the "see how things play out later", make sure you have a good picture for what that looks like. In other words, make him earn his way back. If you don't give him conditions for return (IC, MC, etc) then if he does come back easily you are likely setting yourself up for another future BD.
To triple down on what Steve said.
While he is gone, you should work up your list of non-negotiable. When he comes beggin you to take him back, you should be very leary and one of your first conditions BEFORE AGREEING is having him come up with his own list. If it doesn't match yours, tell him "It will take more than that." and have him work on the list some more.
Your sitch is little different in the fact that this is his second marriage. No need to answer these questions, but who initiated his first D, why, did he take any accountability in his role, did he learn anything?
He had been unhappy for years. Had PA and EA. Had kids and couldn't imagine being a part time dad. I believe it was his XW that found an apt for him to move too and she kept tight control on his time with kids. His complaints were that she was a stay at home mom who slept 18hr a day. He was the sole provider working alot to come home to find his toddler playing in the street and his mom in bed. She couldn't keep a clean house... still cant and spent the 10yr I knew him/her continued to play games filing restraining orders, keep him from his kids for months at a time.
I know he did some counseling on his own and with the kids several years ago.
I was always told how much better I was and how much better our life was.
He moved and we met r
You do realize that the truth is probably different than this, right? There are three sides to every story: Yours, Mine and The Truth.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Trying to understand the WAS mind is a fool's game. Most of what he does and says probably doesn't even make sense to him. As I said, right now everything he is saying and doing is for effect, has an agenda behind it, and can't be trusted.
So don't do anything rash based on his crazy. Putting a sign in front of the house in crayon simply because of something he says, even if it is what you want to hear. When he brings up selling the house simply state: "You need to do what you feel you need to do. I'll worry about selling the house and getting something smaller after all of the dust settles." Don't get caught up into his crazy and think everything has to be done now!
You keep mentioning this commute. I have a long commute but I am not a baby about it. How long is it?
1hr 15min each way.
Now my friend drives that and loves it.. it's her down time.
For H it's just additional stress when you worked 12 hr come home for 5 and turn around for 12hr. He has worked 20 day without day off.
He wants his 2hr back. He wants to garden.. he is really into hunting... he deserves his time.
To double down on what AS said. You really should flip this script and decide you DON'T want him back right now. More than let him go, jettison him. Become overly helpful and supportive in his house search etc. As I said, right now he is broken, and that is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility to fix.
Further, on the "see how things play out later", make sure you have a good picture for what that looks like. In other words, make him earn his way back. If you don't give him conditions for return (IC, MC, etc) then if he does come back easily you are likely setting yourself up for another future BD.
To triple down on what Steve said.
While he is gone, you should work up your list of non-negotiable. When he comes beggin you to take him back, you should be very leary and one of your first conditions BEFORE AGREEING is having him come up with his own list. If it doesn't match yours, tell him "It will take more than that." and have him work on the list some more.
Your sitch is little different in the fact that this is his second marriage. No need to answer these questions, but who initiated his first D, why, did he take any accountability in his role, did he learn anything?
He had been unhappy for years. Had PA and EA. Had kids and couldn't imagine being a part time dad. I believe it was his XW that found an apt for him to move too and she kept tight control on his time with kids. His complaints were that she was a stay at home mom who slept 18hr a day. He was the sole provider working alot to come home to find his toddler playing in the street and his mom in bed. She couldn't keep a clean house... still cant and spent the 10yr I knew him/her continued to play games filing restraining orders, keep him from his kids for months at a time.
I know he did some counseling on his own and with the kids several years ago.
I was always told how much better I was and how much better our life was.
He moved and we met r
You do realize that the truth is probably different than this, right? There are three sides to every story: Yours, Mine and The Truth.
Yes... I only know his side, after 10yr of dealing with his XW... what he has said is mostly consistent with what I've seen. But i will never know it all.
Trying to understand the WAS mind is a fool's game. Most of what he does and says probably doesn't even make sense to him. As I said, right now everything he is saying and doing is for effect, has an agenda behind it, and can't be trusted.
So don't do anything rash based on his crazy. Putting a sign in front of the house in crayon simply because of something he says, even if it is what you want to hear. When he brings up selling the house simply state: "You need to do what you feel you need to do. I'll worry about selling the house and getting something smaller after all of the dust settles." Don't get caught up into his crazy and think everything has to be done now!
You keep mentioning this commute. I have a long commute but I am not a baby about it. How long is it?
1hr 15min each way.
Now my friend drives that and loves it.. it's her down time.
For H it's just additional stress when you worked 12 hr come home for 5 and turn around for 12hr. He has worked 20 day without day off.
He wants his 2hr back. He wants to garden.. he is really into hunting... he deserves his time.
Has your marriage always been one sided?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
By the way, my drive is about 50 minutes one way. My company is working on new office space so I'll be moving another 15-20 minutes further away from home in a year or two. I wouldn't give up our house or the property we are on for all of the time in the world! I'd quit and find a job closer to home before I did that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My commute to DC was 1 hour and 30 minutes when the sun was shining and no accidents. If it was raining or snowing, the commute was almost double that one way. If he's driving that entire commute himself, yes, it can be stressful. If he's not driving it and has someone else doing the driving, he could catch naps on the way in and out. I, too, wouldn't trade my home and property to live closer.
If he's been doing the commute the entire marriage, why didn't a move take place earlier in the marriage? You don't have to answer my question unless you want to.
I still get the impression that you are making all kinds of excuses for his behavior when you need to be focusing and working on you. It's almost like you are trying to justify his wanting to leave. KC, you deserve better than all of this gaslighting he's doing. As for the "home" magazines sitting around, he's trying to get into your head and create more anxiety for you.
KC, we are trying to help you get to a better place, but you also need to help yourself a bit here. This isn't the first time around for you w/this man wanting to move and leave the marriage. Don't help him leave or figure out his finances. Worry about you and what you are going to do if he leaves. He's a grown man and the sooner he learns that the grass isn't greener over on the other side the better. He's the problem, not you.
KC, straighten that spine, hold your head up high and tell yourself every time he acting like a putz, that you are a good person and deserve better and you definitely deserve respect in all aspects of your life. Don't allow him to speak to you the way he does when he's angry, walk away from him, go to another room or just take a drive. You are not his punching bag. In order to get respect, you've got to respect yourself and set those boundaries.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
