Your man/child is all over the map w/his emotions. He reminds me so much of my xh when looking for a place to move to. I'm sure that if he really tried hard enough, he could find a place to live. There are plenty of rooms to let, as well as apartments around the location of his work. He could be out there looking when he has free time.
As for the him telling you about all of the "house hunting", he's crying the pity party to the moon. He's hoping that you will fee sorry for him and yes, he's hoping you'll tell him to stay in the home. He's still itching for a justification to leave and if you had suggested that he remain in the home, he most likely would have come out w/something negative.
Actions speak louder than words and quite frankly, right now, his actions don't match up w/his words. If he truly wanted out, he would have been gone by now and either stayed w/his parents full time or w/some of his friends/co-workers.
Sounds like depression is playing w/his head if he can't sleep and the way he's bouncing around, guilt and shame are giving him a run for his money.
The more you act "as if", the better. Right now, his emotional rollercoaster ride is affecting you and your health. I know you want him to stay there, but there comes a time when you need to trust in the man upstairs and just let him go for a bit. He really does need to be on his own to figure himself out. For one thing, where is he going to get the money to rent another place? Will he still provide funds for your living in the home? Things aren't what they use to be 10, 20, etc., years ago. Prices are high for places to rent these days.
Now, one last thing and I agree w/the others...get your own lawyer. Do not allow him to talk you into sharing lawyers. It's not a good practice to do this. Work w/the one that your mother has helped you pay for. Listen to him/her and make a list of questions when you meet w/him/her. Do not share any of this info w/your h.
BTW, please stop making excuses for his behavior. A large majority of what you have posted is about him and yes, history does repeat itself if things are not corrected and your h had issues in the first marriage and now...well, they have started to raise their ugly heads in your marriage. Only accept your half of the demise of your relationship...not the whole pie.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Please know if I had more confidence in my body.. I would have never pulled away... he would have never been stabbed in the heart... he wouldn't have gone to bed angry...
He wouldn't have felt his self worth come into question... the comments about my weight may have stung but I probably said it bothered me and then he would say then do something about it. He would see me doing nothing and he still isn't getting affection... his angry brews with each time I reject him... it snowballs.
It's not that i have to be thin... it's my lack of affection and his feeling rejected. It's a terrible cycle and you become critical of everything else.
My H is the hardest working man I know.
We can all behave like 2yr old at times.
I'm not excusing his behavior on leaving the M. We are both responsible for where we are and we both have wounds.
I'm trying my best to do what is needed so that he may have a change of heart about us. His wound is painful... he chose to go numb than to deal with it. His wall is high. Its probably an impossible task.
I will keep behavior as if every moment around him... but for me to believe that I dont want him when I do is a tough thing to accomplish.
If he needs your affection for his own self worth, then he needs IC. Make it a requirement to R.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think once he talked to atty and the house issue he was frustrated and realizing this is harder than he had in his mind.
He isn't looking for me to ask him back into the home... he already knows I do not want this.
The reason he gave me for not leaving is something that happened in his first divorce. He left without an agreement in place... packed some things and got out. Came back for more stuff and his XW had destroyed his bike and threw out his stuff. They lived in a small town and he couldn't get charges filed. His stuff was considered communal property and not protected because there was no separation or divorce agreement filed.
Now he says he doesnt think I would ever behave that way. Which I would not... so he stated he could spend a night here and there at his parents . Weekends he will couch surf w friends.
He did rental with his first divorce and never again... he wants a house with yard for a garden.
He has some money that he got prior to our marriage. It had been put back for his D18 college fund but she never grad high school. Now he put that in an acct with both our names. It's about 26k. I could be the bitch and claim half but that would be unbecoming of me. So yes... he has down payment.
Everything I see on my end he is looking to be out the door as soon as whatever papers are filed.
I think once he talked to atty and the house issue he was frustrated and realizing this is harder than he had in his mind.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Everything I see on my end he is looking to be out the door as soon as whatever papers are filed.
[/quote]
Can you tell me how these two statements are congruent?
I've seen a lot of these sitches KC. And in the one's where a WAS wanted to be out the door as soon as possible....they were. Actions speak louder than words. The fact that he is still home immediately tells me that he isn't as serious about this as he insists it is. His bark is worse than his bite. There is no reason he couldn't be gone if that was his priority.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think once he talked to atty and the house issue he was frustrated and realizing this is harder than he had in his mind.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Everything I see on my end he is looking to be out the door as soon as whatever papers are filed.
Can you tell me how these two statements are congruent?[/quote]
Just because its harder than he thought doesn't mean he doesn't want to do it. And, he has had a bad experience in his last D without agreement in place. So he has been pushing numbers and tackling the two bigger hurdles. He is waiting for documents to get filed so he has protection of his assets here.
He also discussed that he can't buy a house until paperwork is filed because if he does it becomes another marital asset to be divided.
Outside of small comment that came out of nowhere that he says I've been showing him more respect in the last 2 weeks than I have in a long time there hasn't been much softening.
Especially given shortly after that he stated clearly "I Don't Love You".
He says he just can't be hurt that like again and he will never put himself out there for one more promise because he would never get over it.
I know he doesn't hate me. I've also caught him saying once "I Don't Love You Enough".
Quote
I've seen a lot of these sitches KC. And in the one's where a WAS wanted to be out the door as soon as possible....they were. Actions speak louder than words. The fact that he is still home immediately tells me that he isn't as serious about this as he insists it is. His bark is worse than his bite. There is no reason he couldn't be gone if that was his priority.
Even if every waking moment we have here together is dividng up things... discussing things... calling atty, calling realtor???
I've not seen any sign that his resolve has changed or even wavered.
Except he is full of excuses. "He also discussed that he can't buy a house until paperwork is filed because if he does it becomes another marital asset to be divided." So has he filed? Have you been served with papers? Seems if he was serious about this he'd have done that. But no, instead he leaves Homes magazine laying where you will conveniently see it.
He is smoke and mirrors right now. That is why if you really get good at DBing I think he would back away from all of this. He doesn't want S or D. He wants you to think he does. He wants you to think he wants it quickly. I don't know what his end game is, but I can tell you that if he was a serious WAS......he would have already done the WA part.
Regardless, you need to become a DB pitbull. GAL like crazy. Keep working on your self-improvements (180s), and detach. Keep working on those things. He'll either go through with it, or he won't. But you will be fine because you are doing what you need to do (DBing!).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
He has said that his keeping this as a home base even as he moves out stuff as a way to protect his assests given the destruction of items including the MH in his 1st marriage.
But, couldn't I still do that??? Couldn't I get p!ssed one day and take a hammer to his boat??? NOT THAT I EVER WOULD. Isn't still marital property and is he really better protected???
So I thought that maybe that was the excuse he was selling to himself, to me, to others to still have one foot in the door.
But, then it dawned on me last night he was asking how much it had been to store the boat. I couldn't remember exact number and he volunteer that it would be $X to store his motorbike at new location. I just asked wasn't he looking for a house with a garage. He said one did and one had a barn.
^^^^ So his actions are matching his words? He is looking where to store his stuff. I guess if he were worried for damage he would move his valuables ASAP. He has already said he is not going after equity of the home so I would just be trashing my own house.
Wow, now I'm more confused than ever...
All I can say is I have a lot of work to do to prepare for the day he moves out.
Last edited by job; 02/20/2006:45 PM. Reason: edited language
KC, that is what I was trying to get you to see. Actions speak louder than words. "I don't love you." Are just words. Mean spirited, angry words from a place of hurt, but just words. The way he behaved the other night belies that. I've never asked someone I don't love if they are hungry (because I don't care) and then to go get my food for me (because I don't want anything from someone I don't care about).
The best thing you can do is continue to repeat to yourself: "Believe NOTHING he says, and only half of what he does," For instance, when he is buying or renting a place, then you can trust he is serious about leaving. Leaving Homes magazine strategically where you can find it, yeah that is the 50% you can't believe.
But none of changes what you should be doing. DBing your tail off!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
He keeps talking to me about selling the house... he stated his opinion would be for me to sell and just use the equity to buy a new home.
I'm not saying this doesn't make sense because this will be a big ol house with just me in it.
AND, if walked through that door and said I could move with him to X town I would have a FOR SALE sign written in crayon in the front yard. I have told him I would sell and we could move because the drive is killing him. He said its too little too late and that ship has sailed.
One of the reasons he wants D is he said I can't sell the house under S. S is only for a year. It would take me that long any way. I would get S18 off to college first.
I had planned to book our 10yr anniversary trip with points from our timeshare and use airline miles for first class tickets. I think with all the timeshare talk that popped out of my mouth ---- big no no as soon it flew off my lips. Either he didn't catch it or he was avoiding and we kept up the numbers game. Later in the conversation he said I should use the points to take S18 somewhere.
Is he just testing me to see if I would sell my house and leave this place. Is this some type of test to see if i was going to follow up and move for him when S18 is out of school?
Probably not. I think he just wants to look out for me. I got WAY in over my head with this house just before the housing market bust. The only way I held onto it was my H stepped up after moving in - we were a team then. Not so much now.
