So now that I am ignoring H and not wanting to communicate with him or be around him, he is texting more. I am completely ignoring messages that do not relate to the children at this point. I have checked out of the M at this point. I don't know if this is good or bad and do not really care. This is what I have to do to get off this painful emotional roller coaster ride I have been on for months.
HesAble this is detachment. This is what everyone has been pushing for for you. Carefully choosing your communication. Going about your life as if he's never coming back. Maybe you are totally checked out and you're ready to move on for real. And if that's the case that's a huge step and that's awesome. But there's a pretty broad line between checking out of his drama and checking out of the marriage entirely you may want to take some time in the future to assess which it really is.
Originally Posted by HesAble
In my view, a separation is really what we need. That way, I would not need to see him except when handing off the children to him. He has wounded me so much and I just want time to heal without seeing him/his belongings or hearing him or even smelling his cologne.
If you've seen my thread recently you know this is exactly where I stand. Slightly different reasons, but where I stand the same. The one thing I'd like you to think about though is my H is around all the time, especially in the last few weeks. He hasn't spent a night away in over 2 weeks. And even then it was only one night every 10-14 days max. Our IHS is barely a separation. We are on top of each other all the time. You guys have been in a self-imposed by H separation for some time now. This is another thing I think some time in the future you really need to sit in and think about. Living in two households means a lot of different things. And you may want to think about what you'd like to go forward doing besides not having him around you like trial separation, legal separation, legal separation leading to a divorce. Some of that you can figure out later but if you're going to ask him to go I think you need to know exactly what you want.
Originally Posted by HesAble
I know that true detachment would allow me to cope better but I am not there yet. I am not even sure I want the M to work anymore. I wanted it to work for my children's sake, to keep our family intact but I now realize that it is also harmful for the children not to see a good example of M. What they have been seeing is absolutely toxic and dysfunctional. I do not want them growing up thinking this is what married people do and what wives tolerate.
Someone posted the other day that there is no real way for a LBS to every fully detach. Because how could a person fully detach from someone they love. I think there's a lot of truth in that. The amount you are detaching is helping you cope. But I strongly suggest an IC and if you have one moving up how often you see them. You've been struggling a while but you are really starting to sound like you know what you want, just maybe not exactly how you're going to get there. They will help you get there, and help you with coping mechanisms along the way. You're so right about keeping your family together for the sake of keeping it together. Kids are never, never a good enough sole reason to keep a relationship together. Especially in a toxic situation. I made that mistake the first time around. Your kids are young enough that they are still very resilient. You have to do what's best for you and them. And in a year or two you all will be in a much better happier space. There's no shame in doing what you know is best for all of you, even if that's walking away.
