So in response to Job's post above... how well did I handle interactions with H?
Yes... he is nice to me I do become closer. I find it comforting and creates positive experience. I guess the positive interactions I thought would be consistency in predicting future behavior of how we treat on another. BUT, I see now I'm doing myself a disservice. That behavior just tells him where I an at. Willing to sit there for whatever spills my direction. I would have been better served to keep my distance and decline?
When he was up and down in and out of the bedroom I should have let him pace or fidget. Acknowledge anything he wanted to say to me... validate his feelings but stop offering phrases as the housing market will pick up.... it's my job to understand the way he feels... its not my job to make him better.
Give less info when leaving... honestly my job part took 10min... I spent the remaining 20min in a McD's parking lot giving myself space.
I should have not asked him if he wanted to get dinner... he wants to mope around the house that's on him.
I can honestly say that when I asked I really didnt care the answer. I was good either way and involved I what I was doing.
Well I did really good when out with my mom, telling him I was busy. Listening to him but not letting him dictate the convo which I ended first. I feel good about that
Today I will exercise, take the car in for service, and get my hair done. I will call my mom.
I will validate his experience today but I will offer no help or advice. I will not talk about the numbers today. I will continue to give him space. I will not bring up anything that will add more pressure.
One thing that did happen yesterday when he was calling me and I was busy and trying to get off the phone.
He made a statement to the fact that this business of S or D and looking for houses and moving on wasn't going as he thought it would... it was harder than he thought.
I do remember validating briefly and then just frankly telling him I needed to go.
It was probably just a "pity me" moment but that combined with the comment about how I have been respecting him more recently makes me feel like maybe... just maybe his wall of numbness that he has created to shield his hurt might come down.
The biggest problem is you want him back NOW. In reading through your thread on and off I get the sense that you've got a shot at recon down the road, your H is kind of a typical leave-now-come-back-later MLC type. The real question is do you have the patience to let him go for now and see how things play out later.
The biggest problem is you want him back NOW. In reading through your thread on and off I get the sense that you've got a shot at recon down the road, your H is kind of a typical leave-now-come-back-later MLC type. The real question is do you have the patience to let him go for now and see how things play out later.
NAILED IT!
Patience is a skill I am very much lacking - always have. I am working on it.
But, it is the 100million dollar question. Do I have the patience to let him go for now and see how things play out??? I have this gut reaction that if I don't get this solved or on better terms before he is out the door then recon would be less likely. We would never see each other - no shared children, living and working in different cities. I'm not going to call or text because I need help with X, Y or Z. There would be no contact.
He discussed S versus D yesterday. Said S for a year and then D OR we do D and wait a year to file. He said he will do whatever I want. I said I would like S for year. He heavily sighed like he was annoyed but he asked me what I wanted so I didn't take his bait. He then said if we do that then we have to go over everything again to the D. I said that was okay and I was fine with that. He said he was not - he just wants it all over with now. I said I understood that is what he felt he needed. I just said I need a cooling off period and left it at that.
To double down on what AS said. You really should flip this script and decide you DON'T want him back right now. More than let him go, jettison him. Become overly helpful and supportive in his house search etc. As I said, right now he is broken, and that is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility to fix.
Further, on the "see how things play out later", make sure you have a good picture for what that looks like. In other words, make him earn his way back. If you don't give him conditions for return (IC, MC, etc) then if he does come back easily you are likely setting yourself up for another future BD.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
To double down on what AS said. You really should flip this script and decide you DON'T want him back right now. More than let him go, jettison him. Become overly helpful and supportive in his house search etc. As I said, right now he is broken, and that is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility to fix.
Further, on the "see how things play out later", make sure you have a good picture for what that looks like. In other words, make him earn his way back. If you don't give him conditions for return (IC, MC, etc) then if he does come back easily you are likely setting yourself up for another future BD.
I am listening.
How does one decide I don't want him back.... when one does?
I have done my very best job in listening to him with the house stuff or that he downed 3 jumbo margaritas the other day... I assume when he was out with friends. I validate. I answer questions with just a simple ok and behave as detached as possible in his presence.
I'm working on getting my self worth back on track... I'm starting meds to get my crap under control. I'm exercising. I'm reaching out to friends I haven't had contact with with awhile... mostly because they were men and I was being respe6to my H. He doesn't like one of them for a decent reason.
I can act as if with H. He already knows that I dont want this so there is no need for me to say it again. I'm trying very hard to not be around when he is... I will just leave house and sit in a parking lot to have my own space if I have too.
We discussed why he is still coming home despite hating the drive. He said he could spend a night here or there at his parents... friends couches were only available on weekends. I said he should stop doing the drive as it was killing him. I would rather have him in the home... but it wasnt about my needs but his.
I'm trying but ultimately how much can I lie to myself... saying I dont want him when I do.
I completely agree with Steve. Flip the script and "act as if" you have come to realize that you are going to be just fine without H. In fact, display that you have had an awakening and realize your life is going to be even better when he's gone.
Kit - I'm not with my ex anymore, but I was able to get her back a few times doing exactly what Steve just suggested. When my ex left me, each time I went complete and total NC. I acted like I realized things were going not just ok, but good. Eventually she would reach out after a few months and cry about how much she missed me.
I think you hit it with trying to get your self-esteem back. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS! I've said it before, I'll keep repeating it until you get it. Why are you okay with someone that only wants to be with you if you're thin enough? If you let him spend like a single guy? That acts like a 2 yearold if he doesn't get the affection he thinks he's entitled to? That can't handle a drive to and from work? Who is willing to move to "I want a S or D when he doesn't get his way?
You're married to a spoiled brat child of a man. Why are you ok with that?
So the question is not how do not want him, the question is why DO you want him. I think it's wrapped up in your lack of self-esteem. So focus on that. Get into IC. Let the meds start to work. Read books about self worth. Get your groove thang back.
The key is that you need to not want him back until he addresses his own shortcomings. You deserve better.
Last edited by Steve85; 02/20/2002:14 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Please know if I had more confidence in my body.. I would have never pulled away... he would have never been stabbed in the heart... he wouldn't have gone to bed angry...
He wouldn't have felt his self worth come into question... the comments about my weight may have stung but I probably said it bothered me and then he would say then do something about it. He would see me doing nothing and he still isn't getting affection... his angry brews with each time I reject him... it snowballs.
It's not that i have to be thin... it's my lack of affection and his feeling rejected. It's a terrible cycle and you become critical of everything else.
My H is the hardest working man I know.
We can all behave like 2yr old at times.
I'm not excusing his behavior on leaving the M. We are both responsible for where we are and we both have wounds.
I'm trying my best to do what is needed so that he may have a change of heart about us. His wound is painful... he chose to go numb than to deal with it. His wall is high. Its probably an impossible task.
I will keep behavior as if every moment around him... but for me to believe that I dont want him when I do is a tough thing to accomplish.
