but also at the beauty of so many posters supporting and believing in you.
The support has been truly remarkable. Here and IRL. Before this happened, like many mums, I had slowly withdrawn from 'social' life. It is just what happens. Friends move away and you get caught up in raising children, building a family life and work. I had people, mums I'd say hello to at the gate, colleagues I'd make small talk to at work, but it was all secondary to 'real life'. I'd attend the organised mums dinners and I'd go to work events (christmas parties, leaving do's) but this was more because I thought I should. I don't say this with any sadness or resentment, just it hit hard when he left and I felt I had no-one. At first I turned to his family (because, back then, his family were my family and mine live on the other side of the world). They rallied around. But over time, out of embarrassment or familial loyalty they pulled back and I was forced to turn to others. I didn't see it that way - opening up to people IRL was GAL and coming on here and sharing my story as a kind of therapy with support. But GAL friendships turned into real friendships and the people I've met here (DV, Dilly, Yail, Alison, AS, Davide etc) as some of the wisest and most supportive people I've ever come across. I have a close circle of real friends and a wide circle of virtual friends who have let me cry on their real/virtual shoulders, given me a kick when I'm being a self pitying dope, taken me out dancing, watched rubbish TV with me and the guys and gals here have offered my hug after hug across the internet whilst giving me advice and the occasional but kicking. I am so grateful to everyone.
Originally Posted by may22
I can't imagine what it must feel like to have them on a plane off on a "family" vacation without you and him sending you these nice texts, probably wanting you to feel OK about it and it just feeling so wrong and sad to you (and to me, reading).
Yeah - it s*cks. He has been sending pictures and getting the girls to call me every night. Their holiday looks amazing - they are on a cruise out of Miami and I have to hold back the tears and pretend to be excited when they call. To the photos I respond with "Photos are great. Thanks for sending". Each time we have these cordial exchanges I think about things said and unsaid. I read through Blu's initial post from her first thread, and it talks about her H admitting how guilty and ashamed he felt but he couldn't tell her at the time and I know this is my H. He has to face it, but he won't. He will keep pretending everything is rosy. So I have to pretend everything is rosy.
The ignoring the mediation and any message R, Sep'n or D related, well that's him burying his head in the sand and pretending it's not happening. He doesn't want this. He just can't face what his done or the consequences of what he has done. He is also dragging his heels on any conversation which involved preparing the house for sale under the guise of trying to get stuff that needs doing cheaper. It is annoying as hell because I am on a 'right, let's get this done' state of mind.
Mind reading. But accurate.
Side note: that looks like I'm putting all the blame on him. I am not. I have my own demons. But I acknowledge them, even if I haven't really forgiven myself or dealt with them.
Originally Posted by may22
I have so much respect for Yail for how she handled her D
Me too. Yail is a remarkable young woman who put her healing above petty squabbles. Yail and I share a kind of life philosophy: do no harm, take no sh!t . I mostly live by this, but sometimes the balance is. I took a passive stance because the passive stance allowed for a quiet life and didn't hurt me (too much). I wasn't trying to nice him back. I was living my life and letting him live his. Whilst what he asked for didn't infringe on my life, I let him get away with it. Now that we are moving towards resolution and he is asking for more access and putting me in a position where my outgoings will increase by around 30% I am being less passive. The irrational behaviour (on my part) that I am talking about is whilst being more assertive is necessary, I don't want it clouded by resentment, fear and hurt. As so clearly articulated by others in your thread, there is no winning. I am going to lose, he is going to lose, but I want to walk away from this with my values in tact.
Alison - the clear out is not going as well as quickly as I wanted. I am going to hit it hard this weekend before they get back on Monday. Work has been busy and I've been out a lot. What I have managed to do has been incredibly cathartic. I wish I could take a picture of the skip, post it here with a caption like "getting rid of life's baggage". There is so much sh!t in my house. I'm sure there are atleast two drawers of cables where we don't know what they go with !!!!. He is going to be so p!ssed when he gets back.
Originally Posted by DillyDaf
I've kind of decided to stay put in my home for a few more years, because our house is modest and downsizing makes no financial sense, because it's the kids' home and they have suffered enough loss, and because it suits us practically whilst the kids are finishing their education.
This is H's argument for keeping the house. And he is right. And you are right and I can't afford to stay. And whilst I live in a house that is half his, he will always be physically and energetically present. If my H respected that the house is my home and I was able to afford to stay, then I would absolutely stay.
You are right, I am missing the children. The photos are a killer. We have been on so many cruises as a family and seeing them there, in the sunshine smiling and eating ice cream, well it hurts. Left behind spouse is pretty fitting. Maybe that's why I've accepted so many social invites this week ...
DV - I am so glad you're still here. I still have hope for my H and I too. I keep it buried deep down whilst I carry on with whatever needs to be done, pull myself out of my little pity parties and keep my head up.
Oh, and sorry about the long post. I got carried away and now I've missed my train
