Gerda Finally Sees the Broken Fragments

[Gerda]

Update -- D10 saw H today for visitation. (For once her hair didn't smell like vape!) The usual tidbits came out but today included a real doozy. A couple days ago S14 told me that his dad had sent him "another one of those weird texts," but then wouldn't say more, so I didn't push.

Today upon return D10 said that Papa had sent S14 a long text all about loving him but that S14 had only written back, "Papa, there is no love anymore."

Wow.

She told me that Papa was sad about this but that he said that one day he would tell them the truth about why he did what he did. Not sure what that means -- I guess because I am evil and hiding the money. Feel so bad that he is always talking to a 10-year old about all the drama and problems. Poor D10 has too much on her little shoulders.

I was both proud of S14 for speaking his mind and having clarity and, I admit, felt a little vindicated. I don't trash talk H though I am honest about him if asked, and the kids can see when I am struggling with the situation or when they know I have gone to court. But I felt a little vindicated that S14 sees everything clearly enough to know that love is about actions not about words.

Mostly though I feel that S14 is keeping himself safe by choosing to not see his father. D10 is not safe emotionally when she is with H and sometimes I am not even sure she's safe physically. The other day she told me she was learning about abuse in school, and I said I was glad she was learning because I didn't know and I had allowed some abuse in past relationships. I told her about some of the kinds of abuse and abuse was anything that makes you feel deeply unworthy or scared, it didn't have to be physical but could be mental, emotional, financial, etc. She told me that she thought she had experienced that with her dad the other day when he kept telling her her shape was looking better, more defined. I think I wrote before about when he told her that he wanted her to be skinny because boys only chase skinny girls and he wanted all the boys to chase her. But this one sounded more complimentary, so I was proud of her for recognizing that it was abusive on some level. But overall I think she is very vulnerable to him and comes back very anxious and unsure of herself. For example, he keeps vaping around her and so I have been trying to teach her to leave the room when he does, but now she gets scared to tell me about it. She said, "You're not going to tell the judge, are you?" and, "Don't tell please or Papa will never trust me again."

Anyway, I am obsessing tonight over everything. Raw heart from a raw day. Thanks, Scout, DnJ and Grace, for the very nice words and hugs and support. DnJ, you even made me laugh. Yes, if I could see it like that! That's a good goal. I have told your credit card identity story few times, it's such a good one. (Esp relevant since all my credit cards and wallet got stolen when I met Grace for drink!)