4 years pieced and still a work in progress!

[may22]

Hi Blu,

Is there something crazy that *you* want to do? And you can sign up and invite him along? You can always start small and build up to something larger down the line. Like go to one of those pottery places where you paint your own pieces, see stand up comedy or go a video games and skee ball type place and just have fun... not necessarily learning a new language or something big like that. Maybe it will help with the motivation if you sincerely want to do whatever activity in and of itself, not just as a means to spend time or reconnect with him. (And FWIW, maybe you give him a couple of suggestions to decide between so that *he* also has some agency and buy-in as well!) if you're reading a good book, can you give it to him afterwards to read and then talk about it? I feel like there are all these things that we used to do with our Hs early on, dating and talking late into the night about important things, and then I know at least for me a lot of those long interesting conversations end up happening with girlfriends rather than with H.

I have two other questions. (Sorry!! I can't help it.) Is he better, now, at verbalizing what he feels or wants or needs, or do you have to be vigilant to see it happening and stop it? If so, I can see how that must be so very very tiring and a lot of pressure on you. And my other question is-- have you ever told him explicitly you'd love nothing more than for him to plan something for the two of you? If not, is it something you would consider?

Here's a thought-- I read somewhere about an idea for a vacation to have every person (kids included) to have one day 100% percent to themselves to plan, and no-one else gets to have any sort of say in the plans for that one day. I love that idea. I gave my girls the day of "yes" a couple of weeks ago and it was so, so fun. I said yes to everything they suggested, including watching TV in the middle of the day, eating goldfish and candy at 10 am, jumping in the cold swimming pool all together and making a giant bubble bath with a ridiculous amount of bubbles. It was soul-feeding for me even though I would barely have wanted to do any of it (well, maybe except for the bubble bath, but that was just them anyway.) Maybe something like that could work for your family, or at least for your H-- what a 180 for him to actually plan a whole day of things for the family (or for the two of you) that are 100% his decision, no guilt because next time will be your turn. Just a thought.

M